Ho, ho, ho, and I hpoe you all had a Merry Christmas, and are going to enjoy a wonderful New Year.

Mine's been fine - well, if your measure of a good Christmas is barely any arguements and no food poisening, then we had a fantastic Christmas! My hand is very sore tho (but I'll go into that later), but not as bad as my dad. We were sat there, Christmas day, after all the festivities and crazyness, and thanks to J's media disease, he was checking Facebook on his I-Phone and showed me my sister's status "The festive body count so far: my step dad's been sick all night so they're not here, and my dad is in hospital in France with a fractured shoulder and pelvis from wiping out on the slopes. I'm drinking my way through it." Well, for starters, all that going on I'm not surprised that she's drinking her way through it! But secondly, the dad she's referring to that's lying in hospital, is also my dad by coincidence! Oh bloddy hell!

A quick phone call later, and it turns out that dad went flying on the slopes - but embarressingly it was a green slope (honestly dad, if you'r gonna hurt yourself, at least do it with some style!). Unfortunately the only way to get him off the slopes was to ski off. THEN, according to rumor, he went to the pub and had a pint before going to hospital! Some might say that he did that with some style, but because he's my dad, I can honestly say, what a fucking idiot. Dad, if you read this, I mean that with the greatest respect, but honestly, what were you thinking?! Later on I also spoke to Shaz, she didn't say anything about the shoulder, but says he broke his arm in 3 places along with a fractured pelvis and she reported that he was in good spirits, a bit annoyed she beat him at Uno, and grumpy with the nurses because they won't bring him and red wine, but other than that ok. On Dec 26th, he was due to go in for an operation, and under the circumstances he was in the best possible care, a skiing injury specialist hospital in the "Tois Valley" system. But, I'm yet to hear any updates on that one.

Christmas day here went well as I said, lots to eat, some great gifts - I got myown guitar hero guitar! The Metallica edition! Not that I'm a massive Metallical fan, but the guitar is cool. We had the compulsary Christmas beliefs debate where by J's brother has very fixed ideas, and his sister had very different ones, which did lead to a heated debate, but sizzled out after a while - When I'm not feeling so poorly, and it doesn't take me so long to type, I'd like to write something about beliefs. But that can wait!

Anyway, my hand.... 23rd came round very quickly, and I was seen very quickly once I got to hospital. I was having the anesthetic where you stay awake (is that general or local? I never remember which way round!) and I've got to say, the WORST part was having the needle put into the palm of my hand for the anesthetic. It brought immediate tears to my eyes and I did scream. But the atmosphere stayed positive and we had a chuckle about that. The wierdest part was when we were underway, the sensation I was getting when I knew that my wrist was open, and there was a clamp in my wrist holding it all open. I can't explain it, but it was very strange indeed. I just knew that my wrist was much larger than it should be at that moment, and I heard the clamp going in. eerrrrrr!
Now my whole hand and half way down my arm is very bruised. The palm of my hand is grey and the rest is yellow and black. Christmas day I had to change the dressing, and I've never felt so sick looking at my own hand as I did then! Because of all the swelling, the insides of my hand is all trying to squeeze itself out of the sides of my stitches, so it's quite upsetting to look at. Last night I got more concernaed about it and we went to Kings Lynn A&E to see it it's really what my hand should look like at the moment. Short answer, no, but it's too late to put in extra stitches now. So Now as a precaution to infections, I'm taking anti-biotics and I had all the dried blood cleaned up properly. It was almost worth going just to have it cleaned!

I will leave it like that for now, It's been quite painful to write all this, and besides, I want a left over lunch!

I'm sorry, I know I was stupid!

Hello followers! I'm quite chuffed, I've got my first follower of my blog! Hi Jess! Ok, ok, she is a friend of mine from way back, and I did encourage her to come and have a read, but its still nice all the same!

Ok, lets get to the nitty gritty of things. Yup, I went and weighed myself a few weeks ago like my last blog entry said I would - but I didn't post it - why? Well, stupidly, I was cross at what the scales said, so I ignored it. I was hoping, give it a week or two, and somehow, as if by magic, I'd have a result I didn't mind so much..... NO of course not. So, I apologise now for being so bloody stupid. But the whole thing is getting me fed up - Each time I think about the fact I want to be slimmer, I think of a phrase I once read...
"The definition of stupidity - continuing in the same way, expecting different results" 
and at the moment, that is me. Well no, I'm not going to do myself quite such an injustice as to not acknowledge what I have been doing more of. What I decided is to not rush into things quite so much, that way failure does lie, so, what I have been doing more of, is gradually easing myself into more exercice. My daily aim is to do at least 30 mins walk, or something cardiovascular, some arm workouts using weights (or in my case, 2 tins of spaghetti hoops), 150 crunches with the thigh master and one, if not 2 sessions with my slendertone belt. now, I know what your thinking with the last one - that it's a fools erand. Well, I'm not actually using it for the intention of getting a flat tummy (but it would be nice!) no, actually, when I was good before and made use of it on a daily basis, I found that it improved my back and I didn't hurt so much. Which is great for many reasons. It will obviously make me less resistant to exercising because I hurt less, I'll take less painkillers and anti-inflamatory tablets (better for my liver) and so overall it will lift my mood because I feel better! So, no, don't poo-poo an idea unless you know the reasons why!

Anyway, that's what I have been doing towards my weight goal, but, as it's now a week and a bit to go before Xmas, I have decided to not fret too much about what I eat over the season, but I will keep up with my exercising as best as I can. The reason I say as best as I can, is because I'm going to have my wrist operation on my right hand next week - 2 days before Christmas I'll be going under the knife for my carpal tunnel thing.

So, here is my poorly litte wrist that in 8 days time from now will be horribly mutilated! My surgeon,  Mr Teckwale (or how ever you spell his name) said I will have a cut from just under the middle part of the centre of my palm, down towards my wrist - ghagahh I'm not exacty looking forward to it! But, for ages now I have suffered pins and needles almost all the time - I can't hold up my mobile phone to my ear for long before it hurts too much. Doing most things with my hands hurts alot. In the long run, it's better to do something about it now rather than later. But I'm really scared. Not about the procedure, but more about the keyloid scarring I will have afterwards. God they're itchy buggers and I have to take care not to further mutilate myself with the itchyness. It's going to be so humiliating over Christmas, I won't be able to do much for 4/5 days after the operation, so I'm going to have to get J to cut my Christmas dinner up for me! How embarressing! Never mind, I'm sure it'll all be ok.

Now that I have finally found my camera battery charger, I thought you might like to see a piccy or two of my new little cat Lily - she's such a pain in the arse, but hopefully, her cuteness will keep seeing her through! What do you think?........

 What do you think? Yep, she is adorable, yep, she is a nice cat who meows when you leave her, and greets you at the door. Often, she will sleep in the chair next to the bed and be nice and peaceful. But, she is a kitten, and is doing annoying kitten things. To be honest, I wouldn't be bothered about most of the stuff she does if it wasn't for J. I keep feeling like she's here on a "we'll see how it goes" basis, and I feel like she's not really mine, because in all honestly, J still doesn't want a cat, even tho he was so giving & pleasant when he said "if I don't say yes, you'll never shut up about having a cat". I keep thinking that I have to make her be on her best, prim & proper behvaiour so she doesn't upset J. God, I wish I knew how to relax and not get so uptight about everyone and everything else!

Workwise, still looking for a proper job, but I am now temping! And what is really nice is even tho I'm "only" a temp, I was still invited to their Christmas dinner at the Imperial! That was so nice of them. I had steak, MMMMMmmmm! I'll be wanting that again!

Still here

Hello all. I'm still here, still looking for a new job. It's been 6 weeks or so now that I haven't been working, and only this weekend I stopped getting paid. Well, now I'm on my own, well and truely. I'm still plugging away at job hunting. Every day I'm surfing the web looking at various recruitment agencies websites, applying for jobs every day, getting on the phone every day. God I'm fed up with it all. I know at the beginning of my blog I said that by the time I turned 30, I wanted a better job than the one I had, but I didn't want to do it ike this. I didn't want to be shoved out of my job like I was. 

This whole process has been so rubbish. I am so bored at home. The cat is driving me crazy, I'm sure I drive her crazy too. I seem to miss J an awful lot (it doesn't help that he still goes fishing at the weekend - crazy bugger, IT'S WINTER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!) but, I don't mind really. I had my sister on the phone yesterday and it was SO GOOD to talk to another human being for a change. But hey, we got our new sofa that we ordered at the end of September! Woo, what joy. Ah well, at least it's comfortable.

All sorts of things have gone wrong lately. J's car was a write off, he bought another one, and his friend drove it back home for us, picking up a nail on the way and gave us a puncture. The new car leaks like crazy (but, the stereo now works!). The washing machine pipe got totally blocked and after trying all sorts of tricks to clear it, J will now have to rip the pipe apart and unblock it from the outside. For now, the only way we're able to do washing is having the machine in the middle of the kitchen with the outlet pipe in the sink. So, working in the kitchen at the moment is nearly impossible. The new fence we put up shortly after moving in is now being blown appart by the awful winds we have up here. Still, next week, my matcho, navy brother will be popping in to help us out with that. The house is in a constant state of messy no matter how hard I feel I've been working. I've been to hospital because of stress. J is on and off unwell and I think stress on him is partly to blame for that, yet he still goes to work. I can't find the battery charger for my camera so I can't upload any piccys of Lily cat yet to show you all, and I don't know if I really fancy a Chinese meal or an Indian, but it doesn't matter anyway because I can't afford either! I don't know why I brought that up, but for weeks I have been wanting a take away and it's on my mind!


I also know I haven't been keeping up with my weigh loss countdown, but today is a Tuesday during week 77 of the countdown, and I do need to go into town today (JSA interview) so I will weigh myself and enter it into the chart. Well, I'll put it down as week 76 as the start of a new week. I'll update the chart later tonight.


I'm sorry. I know I'm moaning, but I am so bored! Don't get me wrong, I am keeping busy, but I'm sick of sawing wood for the fire, I have terribly dry hands from wall paper scraping & painting, I baked practice Christmas cookies and now I keep eating the buggers (no good for the diet I can tell you!) and I feel like I do nothing but tidy the house, and yet it's still a great big mess on a daily basis (where the heck does it all come from!) I seriously am starting to think I have no time in my life for a job any more (Kidding! I am desperate to get back into a routine and get back to work).

I did however have a very lovely "Christmas spirit" moment the other day. I had a £9 voucher for a cookery shop here in Stroud called "mills" - It's a lovely shop, full of bits & bobs of all shapes and sizes. Anyway, to prepare for making Christmas cookies, I needed cutters you know, a tree, a star, snowflake that sort of thing. I got chatting to the bloke behind the counter and I explained that I want to try and make a whole big batch of cookies to take to the family for Christmas so I don't go empty handed since I lost my job. All this stuff went over the amount on my voucher, and he just said to take it all, not asking me to pay the difference. I was very touched. He certainly didn't have to do that. He could have been like most other people in shops and been a total heartless bastard. But he wasn't. He was so nice. I said I should bring him some cookies to say thank you, but he "doesn't do sugar". Ah well, I made the gesture!

Well, since I've been stuck at home for weeks, I don't really have much to report. I will catch you all up when something actually happens in my life! I guess this is the time in the soap opera of my life when the really good writers have been on holiday and the idiots they've left behind just haven't got a clue how to keep the show interesting!   

Pre-crash chat

Well, I forget my manners don't I - didn't even let you know what on earth we were doing on the A14 Kettering Road to begin with - we were coming home from Norfolk would you believe. Yep, a very brief 2 night stop over in Norfolk, with the intention of attending the engagement party of J's brother Mark & his lovely lady Sarah. 

You know what I've decided upon when it comes to parties? Well, a small, intimate affair, with perhaps no more than 6 or 8 people, tends to be very fun, quite lively, and leaves you all in fits and giggles by the end of the night.... if it doesn't, your not drinking enough or talking enough, one or the other. When it comes to slightly larger do's, there seems to be a sort of what I would call a "ring" effect. Let me explain, you see, with any party, there has to be one to two people that the party is for - be it birthday, engagement whatever. If it happens to be "just a dinner party" or new years eve or so, then it centres around the person / people who organised & are hosting the event. With me so far? ok. Now, as I've said, if it's up to around 6 or 8, this is fine, everyone can get involved and join in and have fun with equal vigour. When it becomes more than that, not everyone can be involved with the central people, well, it's difficult to spread your self so thin isn't it? 

So, what happens with any party of some numbers, is you have your central couple (lets say) surrounding them is a core group of close friends or family, outside of this ring is another group, this group are the group who want, so very much, to be part of that ring so attached to the centre, however, as we have established, more than 6 or 8 makes this difficult. These are the people who embarrass themselves at parties, these are the folk who get on the dance floor when no one else is there to "show willing", or get very loud and very drunk at a much quicker rate than anyone else and so the stand out from the crowd. For this ring, there doesn't necessarily have to be more than one person, this person on his own does enough running around, trying to "impress" that he creates his own ring around this little, mini group. As the drink keeps flowing, and the drunker the "central wanna-be" becomes, the more down hearted by being in this outer ring he is. Eventually getting poured into a taxi and sent home with the central couple mentally shaking their heads and wondering if his social status is good enough to be invited to the next soiree . 

Then again there is another ring of people, these are the ones who have resigned themselves to the fact that the most they will get out of the central couple is a quick "hi, how are you doing? Glad you could come" greeting and then they'll be off - oh, not before of course accepting a drink from this by-stander and being on their merry way back to their central, core group of party people. This group are sensible enough to know they won't really be much use at this party, except to make up the numbers, and for this central couple, the mark of a good party for them is to see many heads around them, seemingly enjoying themselves. This ring, form their own mini rings of maybe 3 / 4 in order not to feel like party poopers / wet lemons and spend the evening in various corners of the room, chatting away amongst themselves. These tend to be the ones who leave the party early, professing the have an early start, don't feel very well or the babysitter is waiting for them. They simply don't want to offend the central couple by admitting that they're bored and would prefer to get into bed. There will be the odd additional extra to this ring, a non-core attendee who will circle these outer ring mini-groups, making sure "everyone is ok, having a good time" and will perhaps spend 5 / 10 minutes talking in amongst these groups, be part of the conversation and then will feel free to move onto the next group.

Then of course, in some extreme circumstances (not all mind you) is the wet lemon. The one who can't seem to engage in any mini-groups, doesn't want to buzz around everyone as they don't have the energy or don't want to, and have perhaps had previous experience in trying to become part of the central group and failed, and so, now they have been burnt, don't wish to try again. The reason for wet lemon? They tend to have a combined look of where they've just tried sucking on a lemon & didn't know how sour the taste would be, and have been caught in a rain storm and are now feeling uncomfortable and irritable.


So, we have central couple, central ring, orbiting wanna-be, sub mini groups, non-central flyer & the wet lemon.

Most people if they're honest, desperately want to be part of the central ring. You can only enter into this ring if you are very close to the central couple, have a lot in common with them, go out with them on a regular basis etc. Basically, it's the "cool kids" group. But the  central couple, nor the central ring will notice any of the other sub-rings. They may get annoyed by the orbiting wanna-be, eventually, a central ringer will tell him he's being a prat and to stop mucking about. but everyone else, is un-noticed until they wish to go home and the response is often "Oh shame you couldn't stay longer, we didn't have a chance to catch up!" the truth is you had the last 3 hours to catch up with that person, but you didn't want to!


There are of course, other levels to this party analogy, including at least one central ringer who will stand out from their own crowd - this is the one who gets the central couple dancing, who helps to look after them by getting drinks in etc. Making themselves a favourable candidate for the next party because they were such great company (who perhaps also suffers afterwards from not only a hangover, but also a brown nose). These are the annoying ones who no matter what is going on, firmly believe that they too deserve central recognition. I hate these people.

I think I  have been in each category over time. sometimes changing rings in the same party. This one in Norfolk tho, definitely a sub mini-group / non-central flyer (for about half an hour, then I couldn't be bothered!). I mostly stuck with Marie, J's sister, who also seemed to be a little fed up with this family gathering - nothing wrong with it, but lets be honest, you should either have a family do, or a thing with friends - do one party with both never seems to go well. You always have your preferred person / people you want to hang out with, and since you can choose your friends and your stuck with your family, in most cases, you end up spending the majority of the party with your friends - well, who wouldn't? With family, central couples do force themselves to do the right thing and chat with family for a little while before excusing themselves or are taken away by a central ringer. Marie and I spent most of the evening wondering down stairs to the main bar to get a drink, stand outside in the fresh air for a while, at one stage played the I.T box before wondering back upstairs to again take a seat and do not very much at all. Still, if we hadn't of gone it would have upset the central couple and that wouldn't have been fair on them.

Parties, honestly, I don't see why we get so worked up over them.

Whilst in Norfolk, we were able to catch up with little Roxy, one of our nieces! (come on, I know we're not married, but being together 4 years earns me the right to be Aunty Nina, and similarly to my sisters kids, he is Uncle J). She's certainly getting bigger!

All in all, it was a good weekend, apart from the obvious. No. no. I mean the crash, not the party!

Let the saga continue!

Well, do we all remember me mentioning before that I feel like my life reads more like a soap opera than what I'd like to think of as "real life"? Well, what would a good soap opera be without an exciting car crash.

I'm not kidding,  last night, J and I were about 20 mins away from Coventry where we were looking forward to stopping for a KFC rather than  cook when we got home, a 4 and a half hour drive doesn't ever seem to put me in the mood to put my culinary skills to the test. When along the A14 Kettering Road, we saw a large Argos truck come out of a lay by, he was moving quite slowly so we stupidly thought that he was going to be sensible and wait for an opening in the road. Oh yes, we saw him, J even commented "what's he up to?" when suddenly, he ramped up his speed, vaulted out of the lay by and we couldn't stop in time. We tried to steer round him but there was a car penning us in to our right and we couldn't get over without hitting that car too. All I remember of the collision was screaming "J,J,J,J........AAAAHHHHHHHHHH" and trying to scramble over my seat because the corner of the truck hit my side of the car and I seriously thought it was going to keep coming and come right through the window. Luckily it didn't and J had enough savvy to get us off the road and onto the side bit of grass. The truck at first seemed to keep going, but thankfully he stopped to see what happened.

I managed to get out of my door (oh, it's broken  and it hardly opens now by the way) and just in my socks, didn't even get enough time to put my shoes on, I got out of the car, and in the ankle thick mud I raced over to that truck, by now the driver was out of his cab coming towards us, and I screamed at him - nothing coherant to start with you understand "Wha, Wh, Wah, What, What the FUCK do you think your doing?!!!" Honestly, I didn't know what the hell was going on, all I knew is that this guy shouldn't just drive off like I thought he was doing in the first place then suddenly, he asked me, "Are you all right? Is everyone in your car alright?" Honestly, I didn't know, I had no idea if I had been hurt, or even if J was all right, I felt such a rush of guilt that I didn't even stay to ask J if he was ok. I felt so awful, suddenly I felt so sick, because I looked behind me back towards the car, and J was still in the car. Oh god, what if he was hurt? Oh god! What have I done?! I went back to the car at what felt like a snails pace, but J emerged, unscathed, like me rather rattled but ok, and suddenly I realised I was also ok. Thank goodness.

I just didn't know what to do, I just  was babbling, and I just didn't know. The boys went to do all the swapping of insurance details stuff, and I stayed with the car. On my own I suddenly realised I was very cold in the night air, so I got my coat, and on standing up, I felt so faint. I was so worried that I would just pass out. So, I scrambled up the slope towards the trees. I figured that if I was going to pass out, I didn't want to do it anywhere near the road, and to help keep me alert I called my dad. Yep, a near 30 year old woman, strong, independent, a force to be reckoned with was sobbing down the phone to her father "but dad, I've never had a truck come crashing towards me before" I said as I wept. 

We ended up realising that although the front light was smashed in and my side door wouldn't close properly, it was working, it could run. We limped to the services only 4 miles away and the truck driver, Michael, was actually a really decent guy and stayed with us for two hours trying to get our car a little bit back together, at least so that we could get ourselves home. While the boys did that I sat in a little thief cafe and all I could think was I needed toast. Some hot buttery toast, then I started to feel a bit better. He felt so awful about the whole thing, he was upset that it was our first car and it was now smashed up and that I was so obviously upset by the whole thing. I got upset again when he said that this meant he would lose his job, even though there was no damage to the truck at all. We managed to get home with the battery being held in with bungee straps, the headlights being held in with sticky tape and my door having a gap all the way round, enough that I could get my fingers out. What a journey is all I can say.

Oh... what now?

My deepest apologies to you all, I have been very absent with my writing of late, and when you read what's happened, it'll seem strange as I should have had more time on my hands recently to blog away! But there you go, such is life eh?

Ok, well,  good news first.  After reading my "kingdom for a cat" blog, my man finally said yes, yup dear readers, he kept his defences up for 3 long years of me asking, and after meeting the kitten I wanted to adopt, he said yes! Then spoilt it by saying "If I don't say yes you'll never shut up about it" So, now we own a dear little white and orange thing called Lily. She's approx 13 weeks old as I write this, and she's all teeth and claws - even when she wants to get a cuddle, she first of all leaps to my leg and digs in. Still, she's learning that I don't like that! However, after saying yes, J was very inconsiderate and left for Texas, so I've been on my own for nearly two weeks. Due back this Sunday tho (hooray!) No, he didn't leave just because of the onset of a cat, no, his work sent him out there on a mission to learn about their new tool that they want to build in the UK. My man's in the oil biz don't 'cha know! 

Ok, so, inevitably, because I said that there was good news, that does mean there is also bad news. Last Thursday (so, a week and a day before writing this)  I was asked to leave my work. I was suspended. Pending investigations. Into what? I hear you cry.... well, believe me, I feel just as confused. The basics of it from my point of view are... client was cross, he was confused what he was cross about, because he was confused he didn't make any sense while he was talking to me, I kept trying to keep him on track as to what he was trying to say, on doing so he got more agitated, he started to raise his voice, Senior counsellor steps in, has a go at me even tho I had remained calm throughout this whole thing, and 2 minutes later, my boss tells me I'm suspended. Oh, I know what your thinking, there must be more to it than that surely? but alas no, I was left feeling totally confused and mortified by the whole thing. I was in tears and completely useless within minutes. Went to see my friend Adrian in another department and then went home. I don't know what I'm going to do. The HR manager told me yesterday via an e-mail that there will be a formal disciplinary hearing regarding this incident - WHAT FUCKING INCIDENT? A bloody jumped up bitch has a go at me after a stupid client winds himself up, and I'm on fucking trial? Oh please. 

On top of that, Nikki, yes, Nikki is now not talking to me. Last friday I had the HR manager here for nearly 2 hours talking to me about that happened from my point of view. Which, as you can imagine, left me feeling VERY emotionally.... charged shall we say. I know this sounds dumb, but now the only thing I have to look forward to is this kitten arriving later that day, this kitten that's been 3 years in the asking, a lot more I have waited for it. Suddenly, this woman, I don't know who she is, working for a brief time with Nikki I knew that much, calls me up and states "Nikki told me that you were thinking about having both kittens" 
"No, no, it was always only going to be one"
"Well, I'm just phoning to let you know that I have discussed this with my husband and as we already have 2 cats we thought first of all to only have the one cat, now we've decided to have both"
WHAT? who the hell is this cow telling me the only thing I've got to look forward to is now being whipped away from me? What a bitch! I had such a go at her - I was really in no mood to piss around with the likes of some idiot who calls a total stranger out of the blue and metaphorically sticks two fingers up at. Sod that. I had had enough already. So I let her have it. After this, I texted Nikki to say I wasn't happy that she gave my number to someone, and that if she knew what this woman was going to call me about, it would have been better for a friend to call first. I told her it was really poor timing on her part, knowing already what I was going through. she texted back "watch out how you talk to your so-called friends", then she ignored me the rest of the day, a few texts later I told her when she's ready to talk to me, then please call. It's been a week and nothing. Even more insulting, our weekly cinema trip, she invited Carrie to go and not me. Thanks a bunch. At a  time I could really do with my friends around me, you decide to kick me whilst I'm down.

So, what have I been doing with myself all this time? Well, Saturday I took Jennie out around Stroud to show her various places & shops, then dad & Shaz visited - taking me out to dinner and drinks. Sunday, hungover. I spent the morning with dad & Shaz, then nothing the rest of the day. Monday discovered a woodland walk near where I live, and went rambling for over 2 hours! found a gorgeous house that I have since found out has been the site of a shooting, hanging, all sorts. maybe not so nice then! Then I did some sorting. Tuesday I took little one to the vets. With all the bus waiting, the poor thing was in her cage for almost 2 hours! Then I went to Gloucester to get a better litter tray for her so she stops kicking stones around the bathroom, later also saw Anna who has returned from a year of travelling the world! Wednesday the Electrician came in, so, while he was busy, I started more wallpaper stripping & painting. The cat decided this was a good game and almost in a Matrix style, leapt at the wall, bouncing off it with all 4 paws. Leaving little marks in the paintwork, and she no longer has pink paws. The house was wrecked after the electrician had been for some reason. Went out to the cinema, sod Nikki, Jennie still wants to hang out with me, not only that, she cooked dinner for me! I was most impressed, I haven't been cooked for in a LONG time! Thursday, the electrician, plumber and chimney sweep came in and the house went into total disaster zone and now that's what I'm left with to clean up before J gets home on Sunday morning. Oh Christ!

Plus, as you may have noticed, the pounds (lbs) I have got to lose is still going in the wrong direction!  I now have more lbs to lose than weeks available to me, this is not good, this situation has got to change. I do want to lose it , I really do, I just don't want to diet! I don't over eat anyway, but lately, with J gone, I haven't looked after myself at all, I haven't cooked for myself (except once, that was last night), and I've mostly been living on Porridge and toast. Not good, not good at all. I've steadily been gaining one lb per week instead of losing the bloody things since deciding to try dieting again. I was better off not trying, at least that way I wasn't gaining anything! See, that's me lying to myself again, I was putting it on, because I'm now over a stone heavier than what I was at the beginning of this year! That's just awful. But why haven't I yet got it into my head that I actually DO want to change? I tell myself I do every day, I hate looking in the mirror or worse, a reflection of myself every day, so, when, for Christ's sake WHEN will I learn that I need to change?!! Definition of stupidity "Behaving in the same manner, expecting different results", yup, that's me.


But, me and the cat enjoyed a lovely lit fire yesterday, we decided to take the evening slowly, not do any more cleaning ( I feel I've done that all week!) and just relax in front of the fire. Lovely. But now, I have to think about getting more logs for the bloody thing! 

I hope this catches you all up with what's been going on. Chaio for now!

My kingdom for a kitten!

This might sound like a silly thing, but I want a cat. Let me explain. I have been brought up with cats & dogs. I have never... EVER been without a pet. We firstly had Snoopy who was such a softy he would guard me when I was a baby, tiger the cat who was a tortoise shell cat, when tiger died and mum knew she was pregnant with Alex, I was asked, "do you want a puppy or a brother?" "PUPPY" naturally! So, we got Prince who was officially my dog. A year on, we still had Snoopy & Prince, but I got my own cat thrown into the mix now too, Mr Fish. Snoopy died and a few years later, we got Maxi, a stupid golden hairball of a lab who was as soft & daft as anything. Mr fish, then prince passed away and my family had Dave the cat move in, but he was never a very nice cat at all. Maxi has now gone, and Dave lives in Cornwall with mum who I haven't spoken to in 2 years. So, always I had pets, up until now.


My man, J, my knight in shining armour, has an Achilles heel - he gets bitten to shreds by the presence of just one flea. Our August trip to Cornwall where we stayed at dads, ended up with him being covered, literally, from head to toe in itchy, irritating bites. We were there for close to a week, and he hated every second of our stay. We could be sat in the bedroom or the living room, and I could count anything from 2 or 3, to 20 fleas all over J's legs. My dad doesn't live in a flea pit (despite what I've written), he's just inherited a stray cat that they've called Nero and he brought along lodes of little friends with him. Unfortunately for J, dad never gets bitten (neither do I for that matter!) so didn't notice the scale of the problem before we arrived. J was already reserved about the idea of us having a cat, mostly because of the fear of fleas, but I think that trip really pushed him over the edge and in his mind, all animals have fleas permanently, and if we had a pet cat, it would mean he would be bitten every day for the rest of the cats life. I keep trying to assure him that this is not at the case at all. Last night I asked him how many flea bites he had when his family owned a dog, Tina. None that he can remember... so.. what's the problem? That surely shows that having a pet does not automatically mean that fleas will be present. But alas, no, I can't convince him.


The reason that this has come up, is because someone I know through work has 2 kittens.... they looks so beautiful, only 10 weeks old. Now, I firmly feel that if we had a cat, we should have 2 so that they would keep each other company since we're out at work all day, I know that would be pushing it, but one of them is a gorgeous orange & white one, she looks like she has the same markings as Mr Fish!  she looks so cute & I would love to adopt her. J still has major reservations... "what if she gets ill? what if she gets fleas? what if......." . I really want to own a cat, J knows I've wanted one for 3 years, and yet still, to no avail.


Don't get me wrong, I have tried to just get a kitten in the house, we owned one for all of 2 weeks, we called her cosmic. A friend had 4 15 week old kittens who needed a home, I told him the problem, and he suggested that we take her in, and if J doesn't like her at all, we could give her back. Well, the expected happened, but my friend wouldn't take her back! So, we offered her up free to a good home, and 2 weeks later she was adopted & taken to a home with other cats & some chickens! At that time, J's only reservation was that we had no outside space at the time. Even he was upset when she left. Now we have a garden, and yet, he still says he doesn't want us to have a cat. 


I don't think he understands how much it's upsettng me. I do feel very strongly that pets have a very calming effect on people & with the stresses of my job, I think I would really benefit from it. I miss having a little bundle of fur greeting you as soon as you get home, and I always feel that I should be doing something & I never relax, but when I have a cat to cuddle, I really am able to stop & take things easy. I'm just so down that he doesn't want us to have a lovely little kitten, I don't really know how else I could sell the idea to him. 3 years of talking about it and it's never happened, I think I've got to just accept that it'll never happen.


Still, every birthday & every Christmas I still half expect to get a meowing parcel

Heroism Rocks!

Fan-bloody-tastic is all I can say... bloody marvellous! 

Do you recall one of my earlier posts where I mentioned that I'm sick & tired of people shouting random, nasty comments about my weight when I'm on my own?(If not, have a look!) Well, this evening was no exception, bar the outcome! I'm waiting outside the cinema, waiting for Nikki to arrive for our weekly film night, microwave popcorn & can of pop in bag ready. A group of 4 girls walk by, they were all exceptionally skinny & all looked about 12. One in particular, white hoody with orange on the inside, was keeping her eye on me from way back, and kept looking and looking at me, till she went past & exclaimed "LLOOOOOVE THE CAKE" of course, in the style of the little Britain sketch, fat fighters club. 

Now, I know I'm over weight, I KNOW this, I don't need fucking idiots to point this out for me, and needless to say it made me really pissed off. I'm way beyond getting really angry at these things, it happens too often, I'm also way beyond crying about it, although, I did feel like just running and hiding away. Funny thing tho, for the next 20 mins or so, I was thinking, "god, if those bitches come back, I'll give them a piece of my mind", and lo and behold, they came back, AND, they decided to stop and have a natter right infront of where I was sitting. 

"Excuse me, did you walk by earlier and make a comment about my weight?"

"No, I said I love chicken nuggets, we were off to McDonalds you see"

"Hmm, you didn't say anything like 'LOOVE THE CAKE'?"

"No, no, I didn't I swear"

"Well, next time you want to take the fucking piss, you just watch who your saying it to"

God I was angry, I was shaking. I wanted to tell her that I'm struggling enough with my weight without some twat adding to how depressed I already feel about it. Anyway, Nikki appears. I needed a hug & I told her what happened. I've never seen someone so angry about something that's happened to me (rather than being angry AT me!). In the cinema, who's there but white/orange hoddy bitch, so I point her out. We left it, and went over to get our tickets checked. Right before we did, Nikki stopped, and thought, and told me she really wanted to say something to her. And do you know what? The bloody brilliant girl did, didn't she! She recounted her conversation with the bitch, so I will relay this on to you as best as I can:

"Excuse me, did you say something to my mate earlier?"

"No, I was saying I love chicken nuggets"

                  "Yea really, thats what she said" (say's the bitches friend)

"Don't treat me like a fucking idiot, you can't miss-hear 'chicken nuggets' with 'cake', who the hell do you think you are. You'd better watch out for what you say because if you ever take the piss out of my mate again, you'd better watch your fucking back"

"Ok, I'm sorry, I won't do it again"

HAH! The bitch ended up admitting that she had done what I thought she had. So brilliant! Apart from J, I have NEVER had a friend stick up for me like that before... NEVER. I immediately felt so much better that a little bit of justice had been served, I know it might seem so petty, that the "bigger person" would have just walked away... but I'm sorry, when people are so rude, so god dam, almight-ily and profoundly rude, they need to be put in their place.

Did anyone see / read that thing in the news recently about the woman & her disabled daughter, who was so depressed by people taunting & teasing her family that she committed suicide? Well, I have to say, if more people in the world acted like Nikki did for me tonight, for THEIR friends, she would have felt so much more supported & cared for & would never have considered suicide. Nikki, if your reading this, hun, I have to say, most people never ever know the true weight of their actions towards others, but just so you know, your actions tonight will stay with me, it really touched me to see that you cared enough to back me up like you did. Next time I have people being shitty towards me, all I'll have to do is think back to tonight & know I have you backing me up, even if your not there. Sorry to be getting all soppy, but I was really hurt by that bitch tonight, but felt so chuffed after you put her straight. And like you said, it's her evening that's ruined now, not mine. Thank you, thank you so much.

Dad, if your reading this, you always said if I can count my true friends on one hand, I'm doing really well, well, two down!

I have been feeling quite ill recently. I reckon, that I have had some sort of virus, but my recent diet coke binge has made it alot worse. Thinking about it, if the stuff can strip pennies of all the grime & muck that they accumulate, think was pints of the stuff will strip off you throat. I think that any sort of friendly bacteria defences that I had were washed down with that evil stuff. My throat has been hurting like mad since Sunday, Monday I lost my voice and yesterday I just felt so crap with it I stayed home. Awful stuff.. I have been living on water since the weekend. But I must be a right idiot, because I had a can of the stuff tonight at the cinema. It's just that I have to remember to keep these things in moderation and have only the occasional can, rather than the regular 2ltr bottles of the stuff.

Went and did my weigh in tonight too. Perhaps it's a combination of going out to dinner last night, needing to pee really badly & having just ran around like a maniac, my weight has shot up all over again. I'm back up to 17st11... what the hell happened there? I tell you, after getting that result on the scales then having some 12 year old cow take the piss, you can imagine that I wasn't in the best of moods. God, I know I haven't been following points as such, but I have been cutting down, less crap, smaller portions. I know, I just need to bite the bullet & admit that I have to suffer if I want to lose weight. God it's hard. Every fibre of my body WANTS to lose weight. I long to see myself on a little red and black dress. I have this ideal dress I want to find... I see is as a slinky little number, quite floaty but stops before the knees, it's like a silky material underneath in a scarlet red, with, almost like a black lace cover over the top I guess, I'm sure I've seen what I mean in a magazine somewhere, and I love to picture myself being able to wear something like that. And, I have to remember that I also want to be around 15st by my 29th, AND, by next year September, so just under a year from now, I want to have lost enough weight so that I can look lovely at J's bothers wedding. In my books, I looked awful at his mums wedding this summer just gone, really bloated and fat, so I want to look great for his brother's wedding so that I don't show J up, I want people to think he has a gorgeous, sexy girlfriend, not just a "nice" girlfriend. "Nice" is how you describe someone who is not sexy or gorgeous or in any way beautiful. I want to be a great looking gal, someone who will make men feel jealous that J has me and that they can't. Right now I'm "nice" and I want more than that. Definitely time to get selfish. I want to be a better me, and I bloody well think I've earned the right to want to be a sexy little thing.

In the right direction

I went to go and get myself weighed today, and it's going in the right direction (even if it's just a fluky fluctuation) and I'm now back down to 17st 8lbs. so, 2 lbs lost. I will be trying even harder to lose ... I will! Don't doubt me so much! I do want to continue in the right direction, I really do. The other night, I woke up in the early hours of the morning feelings like I had just had something really sticky sweet shoved down my throat & I felt suddenly really sick... I've been having very weird dreams lately, some involving losing weight, so I have a funny feeling that this was only in my head, but, it has put me off snacking as much! I have previously tried some of those appetite suppressant / herbal weightloss patches, and I actually found that they have worked for me in the past, not as much as they advertise, but still pretty good, so, I have ordered some... I know, It's probably a massive waste of money, but only £20. If it helps, I don't care. My problem in the past has always been that I forget to put the bloody things on me! So, I must try and remember.

I've had a recount of the number of weeks till my 30th, as of 2 days ago it was 85 weeks. So, my weigh in today will count for Wednesday just gone & I work on it from this point onwards... so, next Wednesday, it would be nice to see another lb gone.. we'll see.

Boy oh boy, what a week... It's been so knackering at work doing these blasted reports. Still it's the cumulation of the last years worth of work for me and it's going to start paying off, so, I'm quite chuffed with this outcome, although, it's been really boring, as well as the other work the boss has me doing, it's all quite boring at the moment. Which in turn, doesn't make for very interesting reading for you!

Gonna be a bit busy this weekend, not that J needs to know, but I am planning on trying to get the rest of the lounge FINISHED this weekend. It's annoying me being half done, we needed to get it finished in time for the sofa to arrive (7 weeks tomorrow!), in a few weeks my sister wants to come & visit, she'll be the second family member to actually come & see our new place, I'm a bit annoyed dad hasn't been yet, but then, he's always so busy lately... still, I miss dad popping over for a weekend. I might just be a bit of a soppy sod, but I like dad's company (when he's not being a grump) and, I very rarely get to go out to a restaurant where someone else offers to pay the bill. I do hate that I earn so much less than others & yet I still pay my half for dinner... not very romantic if you ask me. So, the place needs cleaning, more decorating if possible, and tomorrow the electricians are coming over to test our old, run down wiring.... what joy.

Still haven't yet spoken to the man from channel 4.. will keep trying tho.

Nothing to declare

I've just finished a great book, "You don't have to be evil to work here, but it helps", Tom Holt. It's better to read the 3 that come before it (which I have done!), but this was such fun to read, with a great ending. Trouble is, I think I've been working too hard, sleeping too little & getting very engrossed in the book, because last night I had an incredibly weird dream which combined the two! Something about huge databases & JWW love Philtre, no known antidote. But great, I now have to root around some boxes for another book to read!

Anyway, I don't really feel I have too much to report, I will be in town tomorrow, so, I might just go and get weighed & use this as Monday's weigh in data... only because I have no reason to go into town next week. I've still yet to follow the points diet properly... as in, I haven't yet opened my book of points & worked out what I'm eating. Hmm, not yet all that dedicated to losing weight then. But come on people, just have a read of the week I've had! One crappy thing to deal with at a time if you please.

But, the guy from channel 4 called! We've been playing answer phone tennis, but, surely, if he wasn't interested in putting my home on the show, he would have just said so rather than giving me his direct phone number to call back! We'll see... of course, naturally I am keeping calm & mature & not getting my hopes up at all....... (yippee!)

I shall leave any more blogging till I'm a bit more inspired... night all x

Totally lost it

I lost the plot big time yesterday. I really, really, really should have stayed in bed.  Started out that J left early for fishing, no problems there. Downstairs started to make a racket at quarter past 7 in the morning. I tried and I tried to ignore them, but by 8, I screamed at the floor "just shut uuuuuppppppp!!" not that it did any good, they didn't hear me and carried on anyway. So, what do I do with myself? Nothing to watch on the telly box, so, I go online and play some games. I get stung with a virus. One of those "warning you have a virus", but the thing telling you there is a virus, IS the actual virus. It didn't strike me till too late that I was being conned, so, turn the blasted thing off and let J deal with it when he's home. Bored, very bored, so, I continued with the decorating. J's home. I tell him all about the computer & he started to sort it out. I carry on painting, lose my footing on the steps, fall backwards, crash into the back of the telly and as I turn and watch it fall in slow motion to the floor, I screamed and started to panic. J raced to my aid and told me it was ok. I suddenly thought, oh shit, the electrics, so, I turned everything off at the wall......INCLUDING the computer which was half way to being repaired. On picking the TV up, we dropped it again, so, now we have a TV where on half of the screen, the colour is all screwy. Oh joy. I don't know quite why this needs to go in my blog, but I feel rubbish & need to have an outlet for my inner grump!

calm and composed

my abject & sincerest apologies for my previous blog entry. But, It was a lot to take in all at once & remain calm. I think rather than go around yelling, screaming & slamming a door or two, ranting for a bit on my blog was probably the best outlet for my rage! Not very creative mind you, and I don't like swearing that much.

Hey ho, a day out to Cheltenham helped..... we bought a sofa..... no, don't worry, not an impulse buy or anything quite so mad, a sort of pre-meditated spontaneous thing! It's going to be built in 8 weeks and delivered & put together for us, with the guarantee that if for any reason the thing won't fit through our front door, we won't have to pay a penny. Wonderful. Only 2 moths then to go of sitting in camping chairs... ah well, at least we'll have comfort for Christmas (god, that time of year again!) 

Yes, I hate to disappoint you, I did have the muffin, and, I have been drinking diet coke, but I've only had a couple of glasses, I then switched to water. Don't raise your eyebrow like that, it's much better than how I used to be! In an attempt to not eat all the cookies I bought, I at least told J about that, but, we've both been eating them, so, nothing to indulge in tomorrow in secret, probably for the best tho eh?

I did something, that if it happens would be quite cool, this evening I applied to channel 4, to a new show that Sarah Beanie is doing, about updating your house & renovating - which we need desperately! I put together a begging e-mail and I hope to hear back from them.... if they do, I will do everything necessary to have a professional team in here doing up the house! THAT would be ace! Don't fret, if it does happen (but, odds of those things never seem to be in my favour)I will let you all know & you can see my little home for yourselves, and be able to see just what an uninspiring place this is to work in. I have written vast amounts today, so, with that I shall bid ye a good night x

Days like these

fuck. No, sorry, I mean, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

I so fucking pissed off with being poor. I know it's all relative, but I'm sick of having the small amount of money that I have. We've lived in this flat of ours for what, 3 months now? We have no shower anymore due to a leak that the plumber was too much of a cock not to fix properly & we have no shower now, to get this resolved will cost a fortune because the tiles got water behind them and so need to come off & be replaced, the electrics here are so shockingly awful they need to be improved before we can install a new shower, the council are charging us because our neighbours were too fucking petty not to tell us about the leak so they called someone out, and now, the only source of transport we have, J's car, is fucking up & that has to be sorted asap which is more money. J is always so angry that we have a shitty looking flat - he says that the reason he's cross is because he can't see beyond the huge amount of work that needs doing.

I just want to cry. I want to bang my head against a brick wall and cry. And people wonder what stresses I have in my life that drives me to comfort eat?! Well, days like today I say FUCK IT. I'm off to have a muffin and there is nothing you can do to stop me.... I'm having a muffin AND some diet coke - (sticking my tongue out at the computer monitor)

diet coke, the secret temptress

I have for some time now held the belief that I am allergic to diet coke. Nope, not pea nuts, not shell fish, not any of these other "regular" allergies, but diet bloody coke.
It's been my absolute favourite drink for as long as I can remember. Yes, I am one of these people that can not only taste the difference between diet & normal coke, but also between coke & pepsi (because pepsi tastes like it has a layer of grease on the top, yuck!), and I have it almost all the time. When I was at art college, I got to the stage where I was drinking 2 2ltr bottles a day. Now, I've improved a lot since then, only having a 2 ltr bottle every 3 days or so, but it is the main part of my favourite alcoholic beverage, bacardi & diet coke - with ice and LIME!! Don't people in this world know the simple fact that you CANNOT have lemon in a bacardi, it must always be lime! Anyway, enough about bar eticate.

Due to one fateful night of drinking this disaster was discovered. I was drinking with my friend Nikki till the very wee hours of the morning after I had held a movie/pizza night for my friends and we'd watched the re-make of house on haunted hill. I was having numerous bacardies & cokes, because, since Nikki fancied a few drinks, it would just be rude not to! The next morning, yes, I had the inevitable hangover, but it also felt like I had a very sever sore throat. Funny I thought, I hadn't felt one come on. Now, normally, when I have a cold / illness that effects my throat, I find a very fizzy diet coke helps to mavouver what ever rubbish is lingering. So, I tried this. WOW did it hurt! It wasn't until I didn't have diet coke for 3/4 days that it started to feel better. I couldn't believe it. My only drink in the world. I have never drunk tea or coffee, I don't really enjoy squashes or fruit juices, and other soft drinks? Please, don't make me laugh! I was more than mortified when I spoke to the Dr about this and he said "with the amount of rubbish that they put in that stuff, I'm surprised more people aren't allergic. If I were you, I'd avoid the stuff like the plague"

Guess what I'm looking at now? In front of me at the computer table is an empty 1.25 lts bottle, an empty 500 ml bottle and in the kitchen is an empty 2ltr bottle and in the fridge, a full one. What am I stupid?! No, just old habits die hard. It's such a pain in the proverbial, I do just enjoy it so much! I suppose I'm lucky I'm not like the clients at work who have had years of being addicted to drugs & alcohol, I couldn't ever imagine taking heroine, speed, cocaine, whatever, let alone then trying to be without it in my life. True, I look at the clients at work and think, 'but you've done this to yourself, I'm not going to feel sorry for you.' And neither do I want people to feel sorry for me because I feel like an elephant sits on my throat each time I over indulge in my favourite drink in the world. But it's strange isn't it? So many things in the world, so many things to become addicted to, why do us humans have such an addictive personality?! I know that we crave to fill any emotional void with anything like eating, drinking, using drugs or being another "holic" like a workaholic, so, does that mean that everyone who is unbalanced & has/does too much of something is just suffering from an emotional gap? An unseen bruise that needs to heal? If that's the case, and that's why I like to drink what's bad for me, and despite being over weight, eat what's bad for, especially when I'm on my own, and work much harder than what I get paid for, do I have an emotional gap that needs healing? Needs fixing? Needs attention?! I think that might be worth exploring because, I do have a confession to make about yesterday that was highly detrimental to my weightloss.

I went to Gloucester to see another specialist regarding my carpal tunnel syndrome, and he wants to think about surgery by the end of October if these splints I wear at night don't improve the situation (I slept wearing them last night, so things are looking up!). I started my day well, I had a small bowl of weetabix minis and took a ltr bottle of water with me. That was around 9 am I ate that. Fine. went to the hospital, waited an hour an a half to be seen and left by 1:30pm. By which stage I was very hungry. As I walked back into town ( half an hour mind you, not a short walk!) I was considering my options..... should I go home right away and eat then? Should I stop in town and find something there like a subway which isn't too bad? I found myself at the station, buying a ticket for Cheltenham and off I went. I ended up having a bacon double cheese burger (the ONLY fast food item that I don't have to say things like "I don't want mayo, or pickle, etc"), I then went and had one of those to die for vanilla pretzels, with a chocolate dip! As I shopped, I went past Millies cookies & got some cookies & a muffin which I planed at the time to indulge in when J was out fishing on Sunday. Think that's bad enough? I had a 40 min wait at the station to get back and I couldn't stop myself from buying a piece of chocolate cake. What the hell is wrong with me?! I try to be good, I try and stay on track, I think to myself, "I'm allowed a little indulgence as long as I don't go over the top" and you know what it is that makes me do it? It's because I was on my own. If a friend or J was with me, I wouldn't even have thought about buying half of that. By the time I'd had a BK, I would have felt guilty at the idea of suggesting a pretzel, even tho I think it's the only reason I enjoy going to Cheltenham (German roots, must be!) and I certainty wouldn't have bought anything from Milles or the station cafe. I'm now feeling only a little guilty for what I have done. I would love to hate myself for what I did, but I don't. If I hated myself for it, I would be less likely to do it again, trouble is, I know I will because when I'm doing it, I enjoy it so much! That conundrum will also need exploring.

I have decided, that from next week I am going to try and follow the weight watchers points diet. No I'm not going to a meeting, don't be daft, £5.50 to stand on the scales & have someone "tut" at you if you haven't lost anything... no thank you. But I will try to follow it at home, J will help me, he loves me for who I am, but absolutely hates it when I talk so negatively about myself, so he will help me get towards my goal in the hope I'm happier about myself. I will use the electronic scales at Boots once a week, after work. I thought that if I try to do this on either a Monday or Tuesday afternoon, that would be the best option, as I then can remind myself at the beginning of the week that I've either done well before & to keep the momentum going, or, I've done badly and I must try harder to improve. I read somewhere once that one of the secrets to keeping thin is to always know what your weight is, apparently, all skinny people know exactly what they weigh. So, I've got to keep going every week and get weighed. Booo.

Nina, the saga continues

I have always felt that my life is suitably written for a soap opera, not really a life to be lived at all! It's just one thing after another with me, my life hasn't had any sort of "quiet time" for quite some time.
Monday morning I took the train and walked around to the hospital in Gloucester to see my nice Dr, who smiles a lot (but he has a very strange grin so I'm not a fan of seeing it!) and have yet more tests done. Quite comical really, a whole lot of sticky pads everywhere on my arms & hands, wet metal things over my fingers, all hooked up to a machine. The Doc asks "ready?" and before you can ask "what for" your arm is jumping wildly all over the place. "Please keep you arm relaxed for me" he tells me, and I can't help but think, "Well, I'm bloody well trying!" All this data from these little sticky probes are making crazy looking patterns on the screen next to me, and I'm assured that when he's ready, he'll translate it all into English for me. So, now, on top of everything else, I now have it confirmed that I suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome. Lovely. I understand it as an acute form of RSI, so, perhaps typing merrily away at my blog shouldn't exactly be my new past time! But hey, what can ya do. Oddly too, I have a small case of it in my ankles too! Wonderful. That might explain the odd sensation that my feet don't belong to me when I go for a walk.
For the last two nights I have been attempting to wear these elastic / leather / metal wrist / hand / arm splints.....while I sleep! Needless to say, having these great monstrosities on both hands is not the most comfortable sensation I have ever had, and where I used to rest my head on my arm, there is now a chunk of solid metal in the way of my soft, familiar skin . And, I'm already going to see the surgeon this Friday to talk about possible surgery on my wrists & ankles. God, what next? Needless to say, I'm not 100% happy with things at the moment & I am currently waiting for some Ben & Jerry's ice cream to melt enough to enable a little bit of scoffing to begin. True, it is supposed to be my boyfriend's ice cream, but he's not here to object.

On a more positive note, I have done a couple of new, uplifting things this week. I have decided to join a choir at the local church, I am now a "Stanley Singer"! Ok, not the most fascinating thing to do, but it was quite fun, I have no idea why, but I've been put in the soprano section. I suppose in a group I sound better than a screeching cat, which as far as I'm concerned I sound like when I try to sing that high on my own. And already, next week we'll be starting on Christmas Songs ready for some concerts (yay, I think). Also, last night, my friend Nikki and I went along to a line dancing class, but, we were mistaken about the type of lesson & went to the experienced beginners by mistake. We were encouraged to stick around & at least look at what was going on, and by chance, they were taught a new dance anyway, so, at this point we decided to join in and give it a whirl. I think we were pretty good! In fact, we joined in with most of the dances the rest of the lesson and got on pretty well. At one point the guy next to Nikki asked "have you done this before?" When he was given the answer, I dont think it was what he was looking for. She of course advised No, and he confessed that he had been in the beginner class for 3 years! Poor thing! I felt really bad that we were picking it all up quite quickly in comparison. Still, we've decided to go to the Thursday lesson instead & go through some beginner classes just as a matter of course.

Well, I've rambled on for long enough, to sum up, what have I achieved in my goal to a new, improved me before hitting 30 since last time of blog writing? Well, I think singing is great for the soul, so, if I'm happy on the inside, I have a better chance of being happy in my body & will be able to improve my body more easily. Also, line dancing is a great way to exercise, so, that's a great way to go towards losing weight! As for my weight, I haven't checked, so, no comment.

Clarity

Good morning to all.
I was thinking about this last night but was far too sleepy, after watching Hancock on DVD, a bit of futurama & Derren Brown's how to win the lottery, oh, and a hard day at work of course! Isn't is a real pain that the best way to predict the lottery, is to take away the sensation of greed, so you can only predict the numbers if there is no way of being able to buy yourself a ticket! Great! No, that's not what I was thinking!

After re-reading my Intro blog, I realised that anyone who doesn't know me is to automatically assume that I want to be a stick thin, size zero supermodel by the time I'm 30. Nope, not at all. In fact, I dislike immensely these women who give a false impression of beauty, I can't stand to read or even look at these beauty magazines and I really hate these TV shows where women who are a size 14, moan bitterly at how big they are. It makes me so cross! Now, I'm hardly the biggest woman in the world, but the national average these days is around 14, so, that's what I would like to be. According to the height:weight ratio chart, for my height I should be under 10 stone. To be honest, I reckon that would be far too thin for me, I think that somewhere between 11st - 12 st would suit me perfectly. So, my goal to begin with is to reach 12 st. That's 78 lb's that I want to be able to lose. Blimy. That's quite an amount to lose! Well, lets work this out. Currently there are 8 months till my birthday, when I reach the penultimate year before my goal, then of course another 12. so, 20 months in total, to lose 78lb's, or, for ease of maths, 80lbs. That way, I would be a couple of lb's under 12st & be in the "between" bracket that I'm aiming for. So, thats 4lb's per month I'd need to lose - I know it's not quite right, but if I were to say one a week, that would work out just about right (and give me some shopping time before my 30th to be able to buy a lovely dress to wear!)

So, at a rate of losing 1lb per week, by the time I hit my 29th, I should have lost 34lbs, making it.......15st2lb. Gosh. Now, that's quite a nice goal to aim for for 2 reasons. 1, that would be the thinnest my boyfriend has ever seen me, I weighed much more than that when he met me, and 2, I would then be thinner than before I was attacked. Yes dear readers, I do have a turbulant past as I have said. One night in London I was very drunk, very alone, and feeling completely out of myself - you know when your drunk and you have done it a few times, and you know what you feel like, what your body does when your drunk? Well, I didn't feel right. I knew something was wrong, and it ended up with me being attacked but having no memory of it, or who did it. I left London & moved back to Cornwall to re-cooperate. But I felt low, very low, and I fell back into my old patterns of eating for comfort. Soon afterwards tho, is when I met J. He's the guy I wrote about in my last blog, he's my knight in shining armour, (but the one who is no saint!) yep, at this low, terrible point in my life is when I met the guy who I've been with ever since. And he's looked after me ever since. So, if by my next birthday I can reach a weight that was less than I weighed before being attacked, I can put that episode behind me one and for all, and it can hopefully stop haunting me as it does every now & then.

Do you know, I have compleatly gone off track as to what I wanted to say in the beginning! I have an image in my mind as to what I want to end up like. You see, when I was at Art College, I was 19. One night I had gone out with a couple of my friends to a student bar, and things were quite normal. But I remembered seeing a group of people who seemed to all be looking at one woman in particular. I moved in closer as my curiosity got the better of me to listen & try to work out just why 20 or so people were hanging on this woman's every word. She was talking about the time she had spent working in Aspen, skiing, oh, I love skiing & I was immediately very jealous of her. I have never travelled outside of Europe & I have always wanted to. She was very attractive, beautiful, and she had a very kind face. Since then, I have manifested this image in my mind and come to various conclusions. Yes, I know that I didn't know this woman at all, and I am never likely to ever meet her again, but I have created an image in my head of what I want to aim for based on this one chance, fleeting encounter. Nothing to do with her weight or size as such, because she looked quite an average size, but she had around 20 people, in a bar, hanging on her every word. She was so beguiling, so interesting, had done such interesting things and when she said something funny, it really was funny, people actually laughed. At that point in my life & still now, I struggle to tell a story that people find in the least bit interesting, I seem to only find my own jokes funny and people tend to only laugh at me when I've embarrassed myself. I don't want to be like that. I've always maintained that people who are an average size & weight, don't draw unwanted attention to themselves in the same way that a large person like me does. To that extent, if attention is required, you learn to have traits in your personality that means that when wanted, you can attracted attention for when it's wanted, just like this woman.

I have also always had a bit of a problem with my temper & I have been changing that over the years already. I wanted to have a much kinder disposition because I feel this is a trait that helps to have positive attention. Yesterday I had a wonderful experience where one of our clients started to scream & yell at me. I was nervous, terrified in fact. I hate people shouting at me, and I could feel that I was shaking. But I'm a staff member, I can just ignore it when people are yelling and potentially upsetting other clients, so, I very calmly said to her, "you can either come into my office and we can discuss this, or you can continue to be angry, it's your choice" Seems such a simple thing to say, but because I had done so in such a calm manner, and I didn't have a complete meltdown which was highly probable I would do, I felt so elated! She screamed that she wanted to stay angry and stormed off, but in doing so, she made herself feel very foolish and was very quiet after that. I couldn't help but think all day how well I had done. Other clients had said that I had handled the situation very well and when I told my boss, she even smiled! I was so happy that I hadn't done anything that would get me into trouble, so excited that I had accomplished a calm manner when all around me were losing their heads & so thankful that others had seen me do it so well. That's going to help so much in the future, it's helped to command a little more respect & I was so proud of myself. So, yesterday was certainly a good day!

Intro

Hello to anyone reading out there! Contrary to my blog description, I do not think my life is all doom & gloom, just that there are certain aspects that when I was a teenager I didn't wory about, didn't pay it any mind, because hey, by the time I'm 30, my life will have straigtened itself out... won't it?!
I've reached a point where I no longer believe my fairy godmother will come dancing out from the sky, wave her magic wand & I will suddenly have the life I've always wanted, no, I have concluded that it's all up to me, just little young-ish me!
So, lets start with the positives, as I said, it's not all doom and gloom, so, what is going right for me?! Well, for starters, I have a fantastic man in my life, after a turbulant past with ex-boyfriends who were not the nicest of characters, I have proverbily hit the jackpot. He's georgous, intelligent, has a good career in front of him and best of all, he doesn't give a hoot about the things that worry me, he loves me for... well... me! We've been together now for 4 years (just about) and we've got a great relationship. Oh, he's no saint, he has his quirks and foybles don't get me wrong, but thankfully, they're few & far between so things are pretty good.
Family wise, although my mother hasn't spoken to me now for 2 years, I have a great relationship with my dad & his girlfriend. My brother is in the Navy, My older sister has provided me with a wonderful niece & a nephew (the nephew I'm still yet to meet!) and I have a whole hoast of Aunts & Unles both here & in Germany who think the world of me.
I have a few friends who are great in my life, they give me the excuse to have fun & enjoy myself, even if it's just a giggle in front of a film. Although I only have a few, my dad always said if you have anything between 1 - 5 really good friends, your doing very well in life. So, I'm fine!
Job wise, well, I've just changed my position within the company I've been with for 2 years. a mate of mine suggests my new job title should be "Statistician & Research Co-Ordinator", because stats & research is what I do, and being a co-ordinator sounds good! Not the most glamorous job in the world, not the best paid either, but it gets me by, and over all, I like it here.

So, what's the problem then? Why do I think that I haven't quite achieved what I want to before I turn 30? Well, a few things arn't quite right, a few things I would like to change for the better & I hope, by keeping a "diary" so-to-speak, will enable me to keep on track for various things I want to do. So, here we go with the things that arn't so good.

1 - I am over weight. And I don't mean like these little stick girls who think they're fat because they have to wear a size 12, no, I mean big enough that I struggle finding clothes to fit me in everyday life, that when I'm on my own & walking down the street, there will inevitably be a comment about my size. "Oh my god, did you see the size of her?" "Hey, go on a diet you fat cow" and so on. At my very worst 2 years ago, I weighed 18st5lb. At my recent best, at the beginning of this year, I went down to 16st9lb, but now, I have gone back to 17st8lb and it's really depressing. I USED to be a size 12 / 14 when I was in my mid teens, but, 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with a bad case of low thyroid problems, which they think went un-diagnosed for 9 years. Which makes sense, around the time I was 18 / 19, I started to put weight on out of nowhere & it didn't stop till I started using the tablets I'm on now till the rest of my life.

2. I have a multitude of health problems. Ok, I have constant pins & needles in my arms, hands, legs & feet. My knees almost always hurt. I have a very bad mid & lower back that's almost always in pain. I suffer from dizzyness & blackouts - fainting is just no fun at all. I get terrible cramps at night in my legs and an awful lot of headaches. Trouble is, everytime I speak to the Dr's, they ALWAYS say that it's all to do with my weight. The thing that scares me about losing weight, what if they're wrong? What if all these problems were from something else, something bigger, more scary, and it went over looked just because I am bigger than most. I'm terrified of finding out.

3. My job is ok, I have my own office, my own routine, and my own projects that I can just get on with, so, I'm not being harrassed all the time (not anymore anyway!) but, I don't want to spend my life only earning £15,500 a year. I want to get through a computer course I started a while ago, and get a better paid job. But, I'm struggling, alot, with trying to get through this course. It's written like a stero instruction booklet & it's so boring & big! it's a massive book, with little writing. It's daunting & scary & I don't have anyone I know studying the same thing, so I have no one to study with, bounce ideas from and so on. It's hard, but I do want to do it.

So, dear readers, those are the things I want to improve. My weight, my health, my career. I would dearly love for at least one of these things to start going right before I'm 30. And that's what the Nina project is all about.