so long, fare well, aufwidersehin, goodbye!

Hello dear readers. That welcome was going out to ALL readers I have, anyone who has ever read my blog, so don't take it too personally!!

It has come to my attention, that a certain collective of people have read my blog - by all means do so. But, what I would genuinely love to ask of people, is to READ IT PROPERLY and not take what I have said out of context.

Like my wonderful other half quite rightly points out, you can take any words from a sentence, jumble it around, leave vital bits out, add your own splash of flavour to it, and end with something entirely different.

Well, dear readers of mine, my abject apologies for not keeping you informed as to the trouble that has been brewing under the surface, I would LOVE to tell you all everything, but a little group, way up in Norfolk, have made my blog an ugly place by taking what I say out of context, making themselves upset by what they believe they have read and overall, sullied this place and made me feel ever so violated. My words have been mis-understood, my context shifted to where it doesn't belong, and in short, made me feel like I have done something wrong, when in fact I have not and it is only their perception that has made them angry at yours truely.

Since the episode that took place in Jan of this year, I have been considering changing my e-mail, getting a new blog address, and starting all over again, and make damned sure that people who are only out to hurt me, no longer get any "ammunition" against me.

It makes me sick to think that people out there would rather point the finger of blame, stomp their feet and upset myself and my lovely other half, than to perhaps, hold an adult conversation with myself and not go behind my back which is what has happened. I certainly now know, never to trust these folk ever again, as long as I live I will not dare allow any of my life to enter theirs and I hope, after all this, to never cross their paths again because I cannot live my life with hatred in it - I absolutely CANNOT have people in my life making me feel worthless. Life is precious, life is not a rehearsal and I REFUSE to be spoken to or (knowingly) be spoken about in the manner that has been occurring for quite some time now. I say this because I never got an apology for what happened before in January by one person, I have never had an apology in the past 5 years for nasty things said about me by a few people, and based on this history, I don't hold any hope for an apology this time either.

It's a shame, it really is, I had hoped to get this particular group to understand rather than chase me away. But, I'm now "Banned" from Norfolk, not that it matters as it's never truly appealed. When I visit, my other half is never in the mood for long walks (he's never in the mood for that anyway!), he obviously needs to spend time with the people who he went to visit which is fine, but for me, it means an awful lot of sitting around, twiddling my thumbs, not really feeling like I can watch the TV or listen to music without upsetting anyone and over all feeling very, VERY bored. I don't think I've known time to pass so slowly. Put it this way, I could never in good concious work for the tourist board and say anything other than it's pretty, here and there.

Now, I know what I've said here will be twisted, it will be taken out of context, and I'm so fed up with explaining myself to people who simply don't want to listen, that they can have their wish. I will never sully their lives again, I will never again darken their doors and I will never bother you anymore as I have no energy for it anymore - 5 years is a long time to try, and I've decided it's impossible! If you want to see me as a monster, you are now more than welcome to do so. One person in fact asked a very direct question in regards to our future. Well, you've heard one answer, allow me to shed mine - we have a very strong relationship, we don't see the need to rush into marriage or children, but we are incredibly committed to each other, and we DO make each other very happy. In fact, the only times in recent years we have not been happy, is leading up to or during a visit up north when I become a nervous wreck, paranoid about what will be said to me, worried that my actions of help and assistance will be seen as interfering or manipulative and he's having to spend his time and effort supporting me and making me feel safe. So, thank you for your comments, and should marriage or children be on the cards in the future, don't forget that I am the other half in this relationship and if this rift continues, I will not entertain the idea of anyone being involved, UNLESS an agreement and an apology can be made about the past & and this current issue. That will require people who are willing to talk to me, not shout at me, not say horrid things that are designed to cause an argument (such as "you always get your own way" or "I hate what you have done to him" or "your so f***ing juvenile" etc, because I am not any of these things). Just be aware however, it is not just me you've upset in all this, it's also upset someone you hold dear, and he has been incredibly upset by all this. I have said to him that he is more than welcome to visit you as often as he likes without me, and his response to that was not very positive. Basically, he's hurt you've refused to see what I've said for what it is, and is angry. But he is not angry with me.

I will however like to say to one particular individual, one lovely young lady who lives amongst these people who seem to hate me, that I hear you thought what I had written before was about you. My darling girl, you couldn't be more wrong. I have always seen you as the only person who will give me the time of day, the only person who will be nice and talk nicely to me. I really enjoyed our time "escaping" from that engagement party last year and I would actually love the chance of spending more time with you, doing activities more suited to our age group, rather than just sitting around the house. You are a wonderful person, and my only regret of cutting all ties is that it will mean losing the friendship I have with you and that is the only thing in all this that pains me. I feel that I have never meant anything to the others, and despite my best efforts, I feel that generally speaking they have never got along with me, are simply civil, but always expecting me to trip up somewhere, which I have to say, all that negativity is very obvious! But you are a wonderful person who is kind and caring and you and your little one(s) deserve so much, MUCH more than the hand you have currently been dealt (and by that I mean having a partner so heart-breakingly far away, not having much money to your name and living in quite a "cut off" place). I feel none of this is fair on you in this day & age, and would like to assure you, the offer of you and your child(ren) visiting is always open.
So, to those friends of mine who follow my life via this blog, contact me by other means and I will inform you of my new blog address when it's open. Nina will now have to die, but a new chapter will begin!

TTFN!

I haven't sat down and ranted for some time now, mostly, in the initial period, was because I was trying to make some money at home by doing internet marketing stuff - what a big fucking waste of time.

I've tried home business in the way of selling ad space for on line magazines - no dice unless I call the USA.

I've been through all my ops on my hands and now am left with no feeling in the palm of my left hand (since beginning of Feb) and scars that really hurt all the fucking time.

I'm still looking for a job and that's just ticking over far too slowly

I've been doing some work for my dad and then he's not been happy about how quickly I've got it done, he's not been happy that some of it is a little inaccurate and decides to have a go at me, and he's not even fucking paying me - well, sod that, I can go elsewhere and not have to work so hard just to be yelled at.

Slug & Stick continue to be the biggest arseholes you would ever care to meet - including the other day I was spat on repeatedly by stick, after slug tried to set the dog on me - all that after they've already had a warning - fucking idiots

I'm now concentrating my efforts, after job hunting, on the garden because I've done a REALLY stupid thing and organised a party for the 24th July for family & friends and the garden looks like a shit hole - it's full of stones, weeds and glass - lots and lots of buried glass EVERYWHERE. So, the only course of action that seemed the most sensible (after extensive research on the subject and getting different viewpoints from people who have been in similar shoes to me) is to dig everything up and sieve the soil, getting rid of the majority of crap in this manner. Since starting this however, I'm getting more and more pissed off with everyone and their dog telling me I'm doing it all wrong and that what they would have done is X - don't people realise that when a job's been started, the last thing anyone wants to hear is "you're a total fuck up because my idea is better"

My back hurts a lot, my hands hurt a lot, my scares turn blue and purple if I do too much and J is still working his arse off to keep up afloat while I'm not working, and yet, even after a few hours of overtime, still tries to help me in my plight with the garden but it's just not getting anywhere. I need help, LOTS of help because I'm killing myself trying to do all this on my own.

And I was supposed to have some help in the form of my little bro - was supposed to come and help me last weekend - came instead this weekend with his horrid girlfriend in tow - she's now taken up all his time with plans of her own, and so far, I've only had about 2 hours of help during the whole weekend. This morning, she was supposed to drop him off at 9 am, after being an hour and a half late, I call to see what's going on, and they haven't even left her friends house yet that's over 40 mins drive away!! Honestly - and so, after 20 mins of argueing with my brother who I USED to be close with, I told him to do what the fuck he liked, but IF he decided not to come today, then I don't want to see him again at all. It's been nearly 2 hours since then and so far he's a no show - well, I guess that's one less Christmas present I have to worry about.

I'M SO FUCKING PISSED OFF AT THE MOMENT and no one is helping me apart from J, but I can't keep lumbering him with all these problems, he's technically not family, he technically has no ties or commitments to me, so, if one day he comes home and decides he's had enough, there is NOTHING that is going to make him stay, and quite frankly, I wouldn't blame him at all! I'm so fucked off with my life being this shit, why the hell would someone else want to be involved who doesn't even have to be!! 

I'm not done ranting, I'm still so angry, but I'm tired and need to go and chill out

catching up

Hello all!

Yes, I know, it's been a little while - but hey, can you blame me? I still have a poorly paw (hah! the nurse kept calling it that and it annoys J that I say it - I think he feels it's far too "cutesy" for me!). The stitches came out a little while ago and as expected, the scar has become all puffy. Oh well, needs must and all that! It is still so tender that I can't tell yet if it's made any difference t have the operation at all. I certainly hope it was worth it because the other one is going under the knife soon! (dun dun duuunnnnnn!) Apart from feeling like I'm balancing a rather weighty object on my hand (like a big man or something!) it's all ok.

So, that does mean that job wise I am not able to work till at very least the end of March. The Dr has officially signed me off and he thinks that the end of March is too soon and has told me I should come back to re-new it closer to the time. However, during all this time off I've had, I have been looking into all sorts of other types of work out there (no, not like that! get your mind out of the gutter!)  and I've signed myself up to become a freelance sales executive for a company that does industry specific magazines - I won't go too deeply into it, I won't really be doing much about it till the end of Feb when I've had my left hand done and I've finished some work I'm doing for dad. But, I've worked out, based on the minimum sale I could achieve, I would only need one per month and that would work out better than being on benefits! so, that's good in the first instance - on minimum sales, I would need 4 per month and I would be earning more than I was in my last job - not too shabby. One large sale per month, I'm earning more than I was in my last job - and I can do it all from home! Yay! Oh god, I just so hate office politics and having to be nice to people who you would normally not socialise with at all. AND, the best part, I would be my own boss! no minimum sales to hit, no being yelled at because they're in a strop, nothing like that! yippee! If I feel I want some time off, it's my own money I'm losing. The thing is, yes, part of this journey is to find a job that earns me more money than I was on before, and more importantly (for me) reflects the hard work I put into a job - this will certainly do that - If I work hard, I will get the benefit, if I slack off, that will also show. Plus, not to blow my own trumpet or anything like that, I used to be a very good sales person - after all, I have a master salesman for a father - Hah! the apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree eh?! So, I'll give this a go during Feb / March. If I don't see anything beneficial happening, then I will go back to job hunting. (If however it does work, I have the potential to getting rid of my debts by the end of the year! eeepp!)

Ok, so, all of that is going right (or, in a better direction than before) so, diet?! Well, I did very badly before Christmas and went right back up to my worst weight, 18.5. Now, my latest weigh in put me at 17.10! I couldn't believe I lost weight over Christmas! That was very cool! It's still going well, although, with all the snow and ice we've been having, I haven't gone outside much (Dr's orders you know, if I fell and used my hand to stop my fall, I will split open my wound!) so that does mean I haven't been doing much exercise - and yes, I have fallen behind in the stuff I was doing at home - but, at least the weight is coming off!

That's the hand, work stuff and weight talked about.... what else have I been doing since Christmas? Well, New years eve we chilled out at my Aunts, got ourselves a selection of nibbles and relaxed in front of the fire which was nice. The Cat seemed to do much better in the car on the journey back home but that might be because my hand was better than before and I had better control.

I did gone to Carrie's house warming party (the one postponed due to ill-ness) and I had a blast! I got VERY drunk and was rather hungover the next day (which J found hilarious, kept making fun of his "little drunkard") but, it was a success, because me & Carrie re-connected (as we haven't hung out together for a long time) and Nikki was there. Yep, Nikki. It was really awkward to talk to her at first - we talked about really trivial things. Once I was lucid enough I had the courage to say "I'm glad we seem to be talking again" and we hashed out all the things that had been bugging the both of us at the time of our falling out. I don't think we're quite there, but both of us I think realise the benefit of rescuing a friendship - especially since we fell out over misunderstood intentions and mis-read texts that ended up going too far.

My newest friend Jennie (the one I knew from the bus while I was still at Nelson) has been a real rock - she's been great support and has been very encouraging when it comes to job hunting and things. We've both sampled each others culinary skills and seem to be forming a very cool friendship - She's been very busy lately, but will be coming over next Saturday evening for a movie & pizza - I'm hoping some others will come along, but Nikki said she's not sure if she's free (I do half think that she's still feeling awkward), I know Carrie has her niece and nephew round, Anna will be working that day but will try and Adrian wants to but has transport issues! Oh well, the sum total of me & Jennie, the evenings should still be quite pleasant!

Now, Let me be totally honest here - after all, that is why I wanted to keep a blog - I have been rushing through my catch up portion of my blog (So, I may have missed some bits out) because I am actually quite angry at the moment. Well, angry might be the wrong word - I'm feeling really miffed at one particular person's attitude towards me.

Let me give you some history about something else and you'll soon understand why it leads up to my current mood. I haven't mentioned it much in my blog, but since we've lived here in our little flat (summer of last year) we've had problems with the neighbours. For instance, our first day we owned this place, J came with some boxes to got the moving started, and was threatened by the thug who lives downstairs (now, unfortunately, he has the same name as one of my lovely friends, so, for the sake of this blog and to avoid any confusion, and also to put a humorous stance on the horrible situation I will call him..... err...... how about Slug). Anyway, Slug got J so worked up that he came back to our flat in Stroud town and was shaking - stating that he didn't know what to do, he didn't want to live there, and didn't want to live here any more either (here at the time being our old flat). We were at crisis point - we've already done the deal, we already were past the point of no return, so we had no choice. It's been a long old slog since we've been here of noise problems (TV, music,etc) the worst is the arguments we can hear that last well into the early hours of the night - I can hear Slug shouting at his supposed girlfriend (who again, I'm not going to use her real name, mostly because when I look back on this in years to come, I don't want to be reminded - how about.....Stick). Often, I can hear Stick yelling "no please, stop hurting me" and yet, when I've called the police advising that I think she's in danger, or, I knock on the door asking if everyone is all right, I'm met with "fuck off you stupid fat bitch" or "how fucking dare you call the police" and other similar desirable phrases. For gods sake, the week we moved in, Slug was arrested for suspected cocaine dealing, and has been arrested a further 3 times since then and the police were again looking for him last week! Stick was moved here because of all the trouble she caused in her previous area which meant that the local authority there would no longer help her because she kept buggering up her tennancy.

I have tried and tried with Stick and Slug to be nice - I wait for hours for the music or TV to stop until I finally can't take it any more and I knock on the door and ask for it to go down, which is always met with problems - I've been threatened, intimidated, and it's got to the point that I am too frightened to go out into my back garden on my own. Enough is enough. I have now been talking with the police, benefit fraud (Stick is living there as a single tenant, Slug should not be living there), and various people in the council. The police have put me in touch with victim support people because (in the police's words) "it sounds like I've been trying to cope for too long and think  if I don't get support, I could wind up being depressed and have further problems on my hands" - so, even the police are worried about me - J too is finding it hard to cope, but only because he's so mad at them and he wants retribution, but knows if he did anything, it will ruin our chances of getting things sorted "above board". Because of all this official activity, we naturally have had some come back from it - Stick was outside on the road the other day with her mother (I want to make a comment here but I shan't) and saw me in my window - Christ all mighty I was cleaning my house! They were mouthing "fucking bitch" and making fat gestures at me - I knew there was no point in responding to this so I went away from the window - next thing I know I can hear someone trying to open my front door (luckily it was locked) then screams through my letter box "get out here you fat fucking bitch, I'm gonna fucking kill you" Naturally, this has again scared the shit out of me.

Why then has all this lead to me feeling miffed? Well, I got word that someone out there has been reading my blog - don't get me wrong, the reason I write this is so people CAN read it - but this person took it upon themselves to state that all the problems with the neighbours must be my fault. Oh yea, I asked them to make me scared enough that I don't want to leave my house! Oh yes, insensitive person out there, that's just what I wanted to do. So, to you, I write this. I know I know very little about you - you refuse to have a conversation with me unless you've been forced to, and you've always treated me with contempt - it feels like you'd prefer to spit on me than shake my hand. I do know enough that you are curious enough to keep reading my blog, despite not liking me - so, this is for you.

This person has a massive chip on their shoulder about me (nope, I'm not going to mention names - this person should be smart enough to know who they are, and to be honest, I expect an apology once they've read this), they think I'm some stupid, idiotic, pain in the arse twit that they hate having to put up with. Think I'm not good enough, that I'm boring because I don't drink, that I'm too over the top, think I'm too extroverted. there must be many more I've not even yet thought of. 

The main reason they think all of this is because of problems I have had with their family. Well, let me put things into perspective for you - not that I should explain myself to you, but I'm going to use this situation to my advantage and get across to you some things you ought to know about me. I don't know if it'll change your views, but it might help explain to you a bit about my history that until now you've had no interest in knowing. The first time I met your family, I felt extremely unwelcome and I felt scared each moment that I was in their company - years later, I have discovered that the way in which they behave - to them is warm and welcoming - trouble is, in my mind, just simply by comparison to how I was brought up, its not. Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with how people act or have acted around me, but just that it's different and all I can do is use my own life experiences to make my own judgements - is that fair? I have already stated that I now know their behaviour, to them is warm and welcoming, but to me it's not. So, obviously, I was not at all comfortable in your family's company for quite some time. I felt that you and another member had a vendetta against me, I used to make up all sorts of excuses why I didn't want to ever visit again. I made some real cock ups on my manner towards people because I was upset and stressed out about being there. Oh sure, I guess your reading this and think I'm pathetic, idiotic or whatever, well, if you have read this far, I would like for you to read further and you might understand me a little more.

My family have all got very strong personalities - we're only laid back when we're exhausted. The most calm and placid member of my family is my aunt, and yet she still throws lovely parties that are full of exciting conversations and interesting people. When I go to visit my dad and his other half, we spend hours chatting, having a lot of fun, telling stories, and really engaging in each others lives. Now, I know I'm not part of your family and that this isn't a great comparison. So, take J for instance. When he first met my family, yes it was awkward, but every single member of my family made so much effort to make him feel at ease, relaxed and helped him enjoy himself amongst these new people. For J that's even harder than it is for me because he does not like being in social situations where he doesn't know the other people. Where as, before I met your family, I thought that I was really good at meeting new people and being part of a group situation. But at the time I met your family, 2 things were against me.

One of the biggest things, I'm not sure if you know about or not, was only 5 months prior to meeting them, I had been living in London and on a night out with friends. I got quite drunk, a bit merry and somehow, I got separated from my friends (I later learnt that the club we went to had an upstairs bar and I didn't even see any stairs - when they tried to find me I seemed to have disappeared). During that night it must have been obvious that I was drunk and alone, because at one point, I'm not sure when, my drink was spiked and I don't remember much of the rest of the night. The only flashes I have are of leaving the club and being sure I had a coat with me, so I was trying to get my mind cleared to figure out what happened to it, the next bit I remember is stumbling outside and trying to get this guy to leave me alone - I remember saying, "I just want a taxi, please don't help me, don't, please, just go back to the club" the next thing I could remember was lying on the floor in pain. I can still vividly see the pavement and my hair blocking most of my view. I remember the pavement feeling very cold against my side and I could feel that my stomach and chest really hurt. It felt like forever that I was lying there and I didn't even want to get up because somewhere in my mind I was trying to figure out what was going on and I didn't want to get up until I knew what had happened. I don't know how, but I made it back to the pub that I was living in at the time, I woke up the next day in agony. I had a shower, and at the time thinking I was just hungover, and suddenly I saw all the bruises all over my body. My arms, legs, hips, stomach, chest. And I then called the police. To cut to the chase, I ended up moving back to my mum's in Cornwall to recover, only to discover about a month later that I was pregnant. Yea, that's right, I wasn't just beaten up. Then, to top it all off, I got rid of my baby, I felt like I was forced into it by my mum. That was the worst decision I have ever made in my life and I still am not sure it was the right one. It would have been 4 this April if I kept it.

To help me move on with my life, my mum offered to help pay for a room in a shared house, until I felt ready to go back to work. This was when I met J. We became friends very quickly somehow and I only felt safe going out of the house after dark when he was with me. He helped me get my life back on track much quicker than I thought possible, but I was still very scared. New people literally made me jump, the night time haunted me and every day I blamed myself for everything that happened. 

Now, enter you and your family. Just by their own mannerisms that I wasn't accustomed to, this was the 2nd thing going against me. In comparison to my family, I felt like I had done something very wrong the first instant I walked in the front door. Unlike my family, who spent so much time making sure J felt safe and ok, I was ignored, left on my own, and in trying to make conversation, I was laughed at, and what I had to say was overshadowed by other people. Unfortunately, you made things a lot worse. You kept making fun of me, you kept laughing at what I was trying to say. I don't find your sense of humour funny - I find it insulting at the very least. As you can imagine, I didn't want to drink because of things that had happened a few months before, I didn't want to go out and about, I certainly didn't want to go out for New Years Eve with your then girlfriend, screaming in my face that I was so fucking boring because I didn't want to drink. You have always treated me with such contempt since then it's no wonder that I'm fearful of you and your behaviour.

Have you ever once thought about sitting down and talking to me without trying to make me feel stupid or "pathetic" in what I'm saying? Could you perhaps, for just a moment realise that I am a human being too. I have tried and tried to be nice to you. Christmas gifts that I have taken so much time and effort to get you are sneered at, I buy you a drink a a recent party and what did you do? Left it, like I had done something terrible to your drink, conversions I try to have with you are met with, what I can only describe as discomfort - it looks like I'm draining your life away from you when I hold a discussion with you. Can you imagine how awful you have been making me feel?! Now please, PLEASE, I implore you to tell me what is so horrible about me that I had to overhear you call me "a stupid fucking bitch".

Now, I hear that your blaming me for my neighbours behaviour. I have to say that this is just deepening the issues that have begun between us. Yes, I'll admit that on our last visit I thought things were improving between you and me, but I must have been fooling myself since your so quick to say that the problems I'm faced with now are all my fault.

For the benefit only to one person in my life, I want to make amends with you - I want us to get along like J gets along with my brother and sister. I don't believe you have given me much of a chance to get to know you or you to know me, but I do know that you are the reason I am fearful of visiting and I think if things are ever to improve, you need to know that. I can see that you are a good person, I see that in your attitude towards other people - why oh why then do I have to be hated so much by you? I'm not a bad person and if you were to talk to me from a fresh perspective you might see that.

However, what I don't want out of all this is to make matters worse - if you feel like I've upset you or made you more cross with me, I would like to discuss this with you. But do not continue to make judgements about me and my life until you know me better

Ho, ho, ho, and I hpoe you all had a Merry Christmas, and are going to enjoy a wonderful New Year.

Mine's been fine - well, if your measure of a good Christmas is barely any arguements and no food poisening, then we had a fantastic Christmas! My hand is very sore tho (but I'll go into that later), but not as bad as my dad. We were sat there, Christmas day, after all the festivities and crazyness, and thanks to J's media disease, he was checking Facebook on his I-Phone and showed me my sister's status "The festive body count so far: my step dad's been sick all night so they're not here, and my dad is in hospital in France with a fractured shoulder and pelvis from wiping out on the slopes. I'm drinking my way through it." Well, for starters, all that going on I'm not surprised that she's drinking her way through it! But secondly, the dad she's referring to that's lying in hospital, is also my dad by coincidence! Oh bloddy hell!

A quick phone call later, and it turns out that dad went flying on the slopes - but embarressingly it was a green slope (honestly dad, if you'r gonna hurt yourself, at least do it with some style!). Unfortunately the only way to get him off the slopes was to ski off. THEN, according to rumor, he went to the pub and had a pint before going to hospital! Some might say that he did that with some style, but because he's my dad, I can honestly say, what a fucking idiot. Dad, if you read this, I mean that with the greatest respect, but honestly, what were you thinking?! Later on I also spoke to Shaz, she didn't say anything about the shoulder, but says he broke his arm in 3 places along with a fractured pelvis and she reported that he was in good spirits, a bit annoyed she beat him at Uno, and grumpy with the nurses because they won't bring him and red wine, but other than that ok. On Dec 26th, he was due to go in for an operation, and under the circumstances he was in the best possible care, a skiing injury specialist hospital in the "Tois Valley" system. But, I'm yet to hear any updates on that one.

Christmas day here went well as I said, lots to eat, some great gifts - I got myown guitar hero guitar! The Metallica edition! Not that I'm a massive Metallical fan, but the guitar is cool. We had the compulsary Christmas beliefs debate where by J's brother has very fixed ideas, and his sister had very different ones, which did lead to a heated debate, but sizzled out after a while - When I'm not feeling so poorly, and it doesn't take me so long to type, I'd like to write something about beliefs. But that can wait!

Anyway, my hand.... 23rd came round very quickly, and I was seen very quickly once I got to hospital. I was having the anesthetic where you stay awake (is that general or local? I never remember which way round!) and I've got to say, the WORST part was having the needle put into the palm of my hand for the anesthetic. It brought immediate tears to my eyes and I did scream. But the atmosphere stayed positive and we had a chuckle about that. The wierdest part was when we were underway, the sensation I was getting when I knew that my wrist was open, and there was a clamp in my wrist holding it all open. I can't explain it, but it was very strange indeed. I just knew that my wrist was much larger than it should be at that moment, and I heard the clamp going in. eerrrrrr!
Now my whole hand and half way down my arm is very bruised. The palm of my hand is grey and the rest is yellow and black. Christmas day I had to change the dressing, and I've never felt so sick looking at my own hand as I did then! Because of all the swelling, the insides of my hand is all trying to squeeze itself out of the sides of my stitches, so it's quite upsetting to look at. Last night I got more concernaed about it and we went to Kings Lynn A&E to see it it's really what my hand should look like at the moment. Short answer, no, but it's too late to put in extra stitches now. So Now as a precaution to infections, I'm taking anti-biotics and I had all the dried blood cleaned up properly. It was almost worth going just to have it cleaned!

I will leave it like that for now, It's been quite painful to write all this, and besides, I want a left over lunch!

I'm sorry, I know I was stupid!

Hello followers! I'm quite chuffed, I've got my first follower of my blog! Hi Jess! Ok, ok, she is a friend of mine from way back, and I did encourage her to come and have a read, but its still nice all the same!

Ok, lets get to the nitty gritty of things. Yup, I went and weighed myself a few weeks ago like my last blog entry said I would - but I didn't post it - why? Well, stupidly, I was cross at what the scales said, so I ignored it. I was hoping, give it a week or two, and somehow, as if by magic, I'd have a result I didn't mind so much..... NO of course not. So, I apologise now for being so bloody stupid. But the whole thing is getting me fed up - Each time I think about the fact I want to be slimmer, I think of a phrase I once read...
"The definition of stupidity - continuing in the same way, expecting different results" 
and at the moment, that is me. Well no, I'm not going to do myself quite such an injustice as to not acknowledge what I have been doing more of. What I decided is to not rush into things quite so much, that way failure does lie, so, what I have been doing more of, is gradually easing myself into more exercice. My daily aim is to do at least 30 mins walk, or something cardiovascular, some arm workouts using weights (or in my case, 2 tins of spaghetti hoops), 150 crunches with the thigh master and one, if not 2 sessions with my slendertone belt. now, I know what your thinking with the last one - that it's a fools erand. Well, I'm not actually using it for the intention of getting a flat tummy (but it would be nice!) no, actually, when I was good before and made use of it on a daily basis, I found that it improved my back and I didn't hurt so much. Which is great for many reasons. It will obviously make me less resistant to exercising because I hurt less, I'll take less painkillers and anti-inflamatory tablets (better for my liver) and so overall it will lift my mood because I feel better! So, no, don't poo-poo an idea unless you know the reasons why!

Anyway, that's what I have been doing towards my weight goal, but, as it's now a week and a bit to go before Xmas, I have decided to not fret too much about what I eat over the season, but I will keep up with my exercising as best as I can. The reason I say as best as I can, is because I'm going to have my wrist operation on my right hand next week - 2 days before Christmas I'll be going under the knife for my carpal tunnel thing.

So, here is my poorly litte wrist that in 8 days time from now will be horribly mutilated! My surgeon,  Mr Teckwale (or how ever you spell his name) said I will have a cut from just under the middle part of the centre of my palm, down towards my wrist - ghagahh I'm not exacty looking forward to it! But, for ages now I have suffered pins and needles almost all the time - I can't hold up my mobile phone to my ear for long before it hurts too much. Doing most things with my hands hurts alot. In the long run, it's better to do something about it now rather than later. But I'm really scared. Not about the procedure, but more about the keyloid scarring I will have afterwards. God they're itchy buggers and I have to take care not to further mutilate myself with the itchyness. It's going to be so humiliating over Christmas, I won't be able to do much for 4/5 days after the operation, so I'm going to have to get J to cut my Christmas dinner up for me! How embarressing! Never mind, I'm sure it'll all be ok.

Now that I have finally found my camera battery charger, I thought you might like to see a piccy or two of my new little cat Lily - she's such a pain in the arse, but hopefully, her cuteness will keep seeing her through! What do you think?........

 What do you think? Yep, she is adorable, yep, she is a nice cat who meows when you leave her, and greets you at the door. Often, she will sleep in the chair next to the bed and be nice and peaceful. But, she is a kitten, and is doing annoying kitten things. To be honest, I wouldn't be bothered about most of the stuff she does if it wasn't for J. I keep feeling like she's here on a "we'll see how it goes" basis, and I feel like she's not really mine, because in all honestly, J still doesn't want a cat, even tho he was so giving & pleasant when he said "if I don't say yes, you'll never shut up about having a cat". I keep thinking that I have to make her be on her best, prim & proper behvaiour so she doesn't upset J. God, I wish I knew how to relax and not get so uptight about everyone and everything else!

Workwise, still looking for a proper job, but I am now temping! And what is really nice is even tho I'm "only" a temp, I was still invited to their Christmas dinner at the Imperial! That was so nice of them. I had steak, MMMMMmmmm! I'll be wanting that again!

Still here

Hello all. I'm still here, still looking for a new job. It's been 6 weeks or so now that I haven't been working, and only this weekend I stopped getting paid. Well, now I'm on my own, well and truely. I'm still plugging away at job hunting. Every day I'm surfing the web looking at various recruitment agencies websites, applying for jobs every day, getting on the phone every day. God I'm fed up with it all. I know at the beginning of my blog I said that by the time I turned 30, I wanted a better job than the one I had, but I didn't want to do it ike this. I didn't want to be shoved out of my job like I was. 

This whole process has been so rubbish. I am so bored at home. The cat is driving me crazy, I'm sure I drive her crazy too. I seem to miss J an awful lot (it doesn't help that he still goes fishing at the weekend - crazy bugger, IT'S WINTER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!) but, I don't mind really. I had my sister on the phone yesterday and it was SO GOOD to talk to another human being for a change. But hey, we got our new sofa that we ordered at the end of September! Woo, what joy. Ah well, at least it's comfortable.

All sorts of things have gone wrong lately. J's car was a write off, he bought another one, and his friend drove it back home for us, picking up a nail on the way and gave us a puncture. The new car leaks like crazy (but, the stereo now works!). The washing machine pipe got totally blocked and after trying all sorts of tricks to clear it, J will now have to rip the pipe apart and unblock it from the outside. For now, the only way we're able to do washing is having the machine in the middle of the kitchen with the outlet pipe in the sink. So, working in the kitchen at the moment is nearly impossible. The new fence we put up shortly after moving in is now being blown appart by the awful winds we have up here. Still, next week, my matcho, navy brother will be popping in to help us out with that. The house is in a constant state of messy no matter how hard I feel I've been working. I've been to hospital because of stress. J is on and off unwell and I think stress on him is partly to blame for that, yet he still goes to work. I can't find the battery charger for my camera so I can't upload any piccys of Lily cat yet to show you all, and I don't know if I really fancy a Chinese meal or an Indian, but it doesn't matter anyway because I can't afford either! I don't know why I brought that up, but for weeks I have been wanting a take away and it's on my mind!


I also know I haven't been keeping up with my weigh loss countdown, but today is a Tuesday during week 77 of the countdown, and I do need to go into town today (JSA interview) so I will weigh myself and enter it into the chart. Well, I'll put it down as week 76 as the start of a new week. I'll update the chart later tonight.


I'm sorry. I know I'm moaning, but I am so bored! Don't get me wrong, I am keeping busy, but I'm sick of sawing wood for the fire, I have terribly dry hands from wall paper scraping & painting, I baked practice Christmas cookies and now I keep eating the buggers (no good for the diet I can tell you!) and I feel like I do nothing but tidy the house, and yet it's still a great big mess on a daily basis (where the heck does it all come from!) I seriously am starting to think I have no time in my life for a job any more (Kidding! I am desperate to get back into a routine and get back to work).

I did however have a very lovely "Christmas spirit" moment the other day. I had a £9 voucher for a cookery shop here in Stroud called "mills" - It's a lovely shop, full of bits & bobs of all shapes and sizes. Anyway, to prepare for making Christmas cookies, I needed cutters you know, a tree, a star, snowflake that sort of thing. I got chatting to the bloke behind the counter and I explained that I want to try and make a whole big batch of cookies to take to the family for Christmas so I don't go empty handed since I lost my job. All this stuff went over the amount on my voucher, and he just said to take it all, not asking me to pay the difference. I was very touched. He certainly didn't have to do that. He could have been like most other people in shops and been a total heartless bastard. But he wasn't. He was so nice. I said I should bring him some cookies to say thank you, but he "doesn't do sugar". Ah well, I made the gesture!

Well, since I've been stuck at home for weeks, I don't really have much to report. I will catch you all up when something actually happens in my life! I guess this is the time in the soap opera of my life when the really good writers have been on holiday and the idiots they've left behind just haven't got a clue how to keep the show interesting!   

Pre-crash chat

Well, I forget my manners don't I - didn't even let you know what on earth we were doing on the A14 Kettering Road to begin with - we were coming home from Norfolk would you believe. Yep, a very brief 2 night stop over in Norfolk, with the intention of attending the engagement party of J's brother Mark & his lovely lady Sarah. 

You know what I've decided upon when it comes to parties? Well, a small, intimate affair, with perhaps no more than 6 or 8 people, tends to be very fun, quite lively, and leaves you all in fits and giggles by the end of the night.... if it doesn't, your not drinking enough or talking enough, one or the other. When it comes to slightly larger do's, there seems to be a sort of what I would call a "ring" effect. Let me explain, you see, with any party, there has to be one to two people that the party is for - be it birthday, engagement whatever. If it happens to be "just a dinner party" or new years eve or so, then it centres around the person / people who organised & are hosting the event. With me so far? ok. Now, as I've said, if it's up to around 6 or 8, this is fine, everyone can get involved and join in and have fun with equal vigour. When it becomes more than that, not everyone can be involved with the central people, well, it's difficult to spread your self so thin isn't it? 

So, what happens with any party of some numbers, is you have your central couple (lets say) surrounding them is a core group of close friends or family, outside of this ring is another group, this group are the group who want, so very much, to be part of that ring so attached to the centre, however, as we have established, more than 6 or 8 makes this difficult. These are the people who embarrass themselves at parties, these are the folk who get on the dance floor when no one else is there to "show willing", or get very loud and very drunk at a much quicker rate than anyone else and so the stand out from the crowd. For this ring, there doesn't necessarily have to be more than one person, this person on his own does enough running around, trying to "impress" that he creates his own ring around this little, mini group. As the drink keeps flowing, and the drunker the "central wanna-be" becomes, the more down hearted by being in this outer ring he is. Eventually getting poured into a taxi and sent home with the central couple mentally shaking their heads and wondering if his social status is good enough to be invited to the next soiree . 

Then again there is another ring of people, these are the ones who have resigned themselves to the fact that the most they will get out of the central couple is a quick "hi, how are you doing? Glad you could come" greeting and then they'll be off - oh, not before of course accepting a drink from this by-stander and being on their merry way back to their central, core group of party people. This group are sensible enough to know they won't really be much use at this party, except to make up the numbers, and for this central couple, the mark of a good party for them is to see many heads around them, seemingly enjoying themselves. This ring, form their own mini rings of maybe 3 / 4 in order not to feel like party poopers / wet lemons and spend the evening in various corners of the room, chatting away amongst themselves. These tend to be the ones who leave the party early, professing the have an early start, don't feel very well or the babysitter is waiting for them. They simply don't want to offend the central couple by admitting that they're bored and would prefer to get into bed. There will be the odd additional extra to this ring, a non-core attendee who will circle these outer ring mini-groups, making sure "everyone is ok, having a good time" and will perhaps spend 5 / 10 minutes talking in amongst these groups, be part of the conversation and then will feel free to move onto the next group.

Then of course, in some extreme circumstances (not all mind you) is the wet lemon. The one who can't seem to engage in any mini-groups, doesn't want to buzz around everyone as they don't have the energy or don't want to, and have perhaps had previous experience in trying to become part of the central group and failed, and so, now they have been burnt, don't wish to try again. The reason for wet lemon? They tend to have a combined look of where they've just tried sucking on a lemon & didn't know how sour the taste would be, and have been caught in a rain storm and are now feeling uncomfortable and irritable.


So, we have central couple, central ring, orbiting wanna-be, sub mini groups, non-central flyer & the wet lemon.

Most people if they're honest, desperately want to be part of the central ring. You can only enter into this ring if you are very close to the central couple, have a lot in common with them, go out with them on a regular basis etc. Basically, it's the "cool kids" group. But the  central couple, nor the central ring will notice any of the other sub-rings. They may get annoyed by the orbiting wanna-be, eventually, a central ringer will tell him he's being a prat and to stop mucking about. but everyone else, is un-noticed until they wish to go home and the response is often "Oh shame you couldn't stay longer, we didn't have a chance to catch up!" the truth is you had the last 3 hours to catch up with that person, but you didn't want to!


There are of course, other levels to this party analogy, including at least one central ringer who will stand out from their own crowd - this is the one who gets the central couple dancing, who helps to look after them by getting drinks in etc. Making themselves a favourable candidate for the next party because they were such great company (who perhaps also suffers afterwards from not only a hangover, but also a brown nose). These are the annoying ones who no matter what is going on, firmly believe that they too deserve central recognition. I hate these people.

I think I  have been in each category over time. sometimes changing rings in the same party. This one in Norfolk tho, definitely a sub mini-group / non-central flyer (for about half an hour, then I couldn't be bothered!). I mostly stuck with Marie, J's sister, who also seemed to be a little fed up with this family gathering - nothing wrong with it, but lets be honest, you should either have a family do, or a thing with friends - do one party with both never seems to go well. You always have your preferred person / people you want to hang out with, and since you can choose your friends and your stuck with your family, in most cases, you end up spending the majority of the party with your friends - well, who wouldn't? With family, central couples do force themselves to do the right thing and chat with family for a little while before excusing themselves or are taken away by a central ringer. Marie and I spent most of the evening wondering down stairs to the main bar to get a drink, stand outside in the fresh air for a while, at one stage played the I.T box before wondering back upstairs to again take a seat and do not very much at all. Still, if we hadn't of gone it would have upset the central couple and that wouldn't have been fair on them.

Parties, honestly, I don't see why we get so worked up over them.

Whilst in Norfolk, we were able to catch up with little Roxy, one of our nieces! (come on, I know we're not married, but being together 4 years earns me the right to be Aunty Nina, and similarly to my sisters kids, he is Uncle J). She's certainly getting bigger!

All in all, it was a good weekend, apart from the obvious. No. no. I mean the crash, not the party!