Heroism Rocks!

Fan-bloody-tastic is all I can say... bloody marvellous! 

Do you recall one of my earlier posts where I mentioned that I'm sick & tired of people shouting random, nasty comments about my weight when I'm on my own?(If not, have a look!) Well, this evening was no exception, bar the outcome! I'm waiting outside the cinema, waiting for Nikki to arrive for our weekly film night, microwave popcorn & can of pop in bag ready. A group of 4 girls walk by, they were all exceptionally skinny & all looked about 12. One in particular, white hoody with orange on the inside, was keeping her eye on me from way back, and kept looking and looking at me, till she went past & exclaimed "LLOOOOOVE THE CAKE" of course, in the style of the little Britain sketch, fat fighters club. 

Now, I know I'm over weight, I KNOW this, I don't need fucking idiots to point this out for me, and needless to say it made me really pissed off. I'm way beyond getting really angry at these things, it happens too often, I'm also way beyond crying about it, although, I did feel like just running and hiding away. Funny thing tho, for the next 20 mins or so, I was thinking, "god, if those bitches come back, I'll give them a piece of my mind", and lo and behold, they came back, AND, they decided to stop and have a natter right infront of where I was sitting. 

"Excuse me, did you walk by earlier and make a comment about my weight?"

"No, I said I love chicken nuggets, we were off to McDonalds you see"

"Hmm, you didn't say anything like 'LOOVE THE CAKE'?"

"No, no, I didn't I swear"

"Well, next time you want to take the fucking piss, you just watch who your saying it to"

God I was angry, I was shaking. I wanted to tell her that I'm struggling enough with my weight without some twat adding to how depressed I already feel about it. Anyway, Nikki appears. I needed a hug & I told her what happened. I've never seen someone so angry about something that's happened to me (rather than being angry AT me!). In the cinema, who's there but white/orange hoddy bitch, so I point her out. We left it, and went over to get our tickets checked. Right before we did, Nikki stopped, and thought, and told me she really wanted to say something to her. And do you know what? The bloody brilliant girl did, didn't she! She recounted her conversation with the bitch, so I will relay this on to you as best as I can:

"Excuse me, did you say something to my mate earlier?"

"No, I was saying I love chicken nuggets"

                  "Yea really, thats what she said" (say's the bitches friend)

"Don't treat me like a fucking idiot, you can't miss-hear 'chicken nuggets' with 'cake', who the hell do you think you are. You'd better watch out for what you say because if you ever take the piss out of my mate again, you'd better watch your fucking back"

"Ok, I'm sorry, I won't do it again"

HAH! The bitch ended up admitting that she had done what I thought she had. So brilliant! Apart from J, I have NEVER had a friend stick up for me like that before... NEVER. I immediately felt so much better that a little bit of justice had been served, I know it might seem so petty, that the "bigger person" would have just walked away... but I'm sorry, when people are so rude, so god dam, almight-ily and profoundly rude, they need to be put in their place.

Did anyone see / read that thing in the news recently about the woman & her disabled daughter, who was so depressed by people taunting & teasing her family that she committed suicide? Well, I have to say, if more people in the world acted like Nikki did for me tonight, for THEIR friends, she would have felt so much more supported & cared for & would never have considered suicide. Nikki, if your reading this, hun, I have to say, most people never ever know the true weight of their actions towards others, but just so you know, your actions tonight will stay with me, it really touched me to see that you cared enough to back me up like you did. Next time I have people being shitty towards me, all I'll have to do is think back to tonight & know I have you backing me up, even if your not there. Sorry to be getting all soppy, but I was really hurt by that bitch tonight, but felt so chuffed after you put her straight. And like you said, it's her evening that's ruined now, not mine. Thank you, thank you so much.

Dad, if your reading this, you always said if I can count my true friends on one hand, I'm doing really well, well, two down!

I have been feeling quite ill recently. I reckon, that I have had some sort of virus, but my recent diet coke binge has made it alot worse. Thinking about it, if the stuff can strip pennies of all the grime & muck that they accumulate, think was pints of the stuff will strip off you throat. I think that any sort of friendly bacteria defences that I had were washed down with that evil stuff. My throat has been hurting like mad since Sunday, Monday I lost my voice and yesterday I just felt so crap with it I stayed home. Awful stuff.. I have been living on water since the weekend. But I must be a right idiot, because I had a can of the stuff tonight at the cinema. It's just that I have to remember to keep these things in moderation and have only the occasional can, rather than the regular 2ltr bottles of the stuff.

Went and did my weigh in tonight too. Perhaps it's a combination of going out to dinner last night, needing to pee really badly & having just ran around like a maniac, my weight has shot up all over again. I'm back up to 17st11... what the hell happened there? I tell you, after getting that result on the scales then having some 12 year old cow take the piss, you can imagine that I wasn't in the best of moods. God, I know I haven't been following points as such, but I have been cutting down, less crap, smaller portions. I know, I just need to bite the bullet & admit that I have to suffer if I want to lose weight. God it's hard. Every fibre of my body WANTS to lose weight. I long to see myself on a little red and black dress. I have this ideal dress I want to find... I see is as a slinky little number, quite floaty but stops before the knees, it's like a silky material underneath in a scarlet red, with, almost like a black lace cover over the top I guess, I'm sure I've seen what I mean in a magazine somewhere, and I love to picture myself being able to wear something like that. And, I have to remember that I also want to be around 15st by my 29th, AND, by next year September, so just under a year from now, I want to have lost enough weight so that I can look lovely at J's bothers wedding. In my books, I looked awful at his mums wedding this summer just gone, really bloated and fat, so I want to look great for his brother's wedding so that I don't show J up, I want people to think he has a gorgeous, sexy girlfriend, not just a "nice" girlfriend. "Nice" is how you describe someone who is not sexy or gorgeous or in any way beautiful. I want to be a great looking gal, someone who will make men feel jealous that J has me and that they can't. Right now I'm "nice" and I want more than that. Definitely time to get selfish. I want to be a better me, and I bloody well think I've earned the right to want to be a sexy little thing.

In the right direction

I went to go and get myself weighed today, and it's going in the right direction (even if it's just a fluky fluctuation) and I'm now back down to 17st 8lbs. so, 2 lbs lost. I will be trying even harder to lose ... I will! Don't doubt me so much! I do want to continue in the right direction, I really do. The other night, I woke up in the early hours of the morning feelings like I had just had something really sticky sweet shoved down my throat & I felt suddenly really sick... I've been having very weird dreams lately, some involving losing weight, so I have a funny feeling that this was only in my head, but, it has put me off snacking as much! I have previously tried some of those appetite suppressant / herbal weightloss patches, and I actually found that they have worked for me in the past, not as much as they advertise, but still pretty good, so, I have ordered some... I know, It's probably a massive waste of money, but only £20. If it helps, I don't care. My problem in the past has always been that I forget to put the bloody things on me! So, I must try and remember.

I've had a recount of the number of weeks till my 30th, as of 2 days ago it was 85 weeks. So, my weigh in today will count for Wednesday just gone & I work on it from this point onwards... so, next Wednesday, it would be nice to see another lb gone.. we'll see.

Boy oh boy, what a week... It's been so knackering at work doing these blasted reports. Still it's the cumulation of the last years worth of work for me and it's going to start paying off, so, I'm quite chuffed with this outcome, although, it's been really boring, as well as the other work the boss has me doing, it's all quite boring at the moment. Which in turn, doesn't make for very interesting reading for you!

Gonna be a bit busy this weekend, not that J needs to know, but I am planning on trying to get the rest of the lounge FINISHED this weekend. It's annoying me being half done, we needed to get it finished in time for the sofa to arrive (7 weeks tomorrow!), in a few weeks my sister wants to come & visit, she'll be the second family member to actually come & see our new place, I'm a bit annoyed dad hasn't been yet, but then, he's always so busy lately... still, I miss dad popping over for a weekend. I might just be a bit of a soppy sod, but I like dad's company (when he's not being a grump) and, I very rarely get to go out to a restaurant where someone else offers to pay the bill. I do hate that I earn so much less than others & yet I still pay my half for dinner... not very romantic if you ask me. So, the place needs cleaning, more decorating if possible, and tomorrow the electricians are coming over to test our old, run down wiring.... what joy.

Still haven't yet spoken to the man from channel 4.. will keep trying tho.

Nothing to declare

I've just finished a great book, "You don't have to be evil to work here, but it helps", Tom Holt. It's better to read the 3 that come before it (which I have done!), but this was such fun to read, with a great ending. Trouble is, I think I've been working too hard, sleeping too little & getting very engrossed in the book, because last night I had an incredibly weird dream which combined the two! Something about huge databases & JWW love Philtre, no known antidote. But great, I now have to root around some boxes for another book to read!

Anyway, I don't really feel I have too much to report, I will be in town tomorrow, so, I might just go and get weighed & use this as Monday's weigh in data... only because I have no reason to go into town next week. I've still yet to follow the points diet properly... as in, I haven't yet opened my book of points & worked out what I'm eating. Hmm, not yet all that dedicated to losing weight then. But come on people, just have a read of the week I've had! One crappy thing to deal with at a time if you please.

But, the guy from channel 4 called! We've been playing answer phone tennis, but, surely, if he wasn't interested in putting my home on the show, he would have just said so rather than giving me his direct phone number to call back! We'll see... of course, naturally I am keeping calm & mature & not getting my hopes up at all....... (yippee!)

I shall leave any more blogging till I'm a bit more inspired... night all x

Totally lost it

I lost the plot big time yesterday. I really, really, really should have stayed in bed.  Started out that J left early for fishing, no problems there. Downstairs started to make a racket at quarter past 7 in the morning. I tried and I tried to ignore them, but by 8, I screamed at the floor "just shut uuuuuppppppp!!" not that it did any good, they didn't hear me and carried on anyway. So, what do I do with myself? Nothing to watch on the telly box, so, I go online and play some games. I get stung with a virus. One of those "warning you have a virus", but the thing telling you there is a virus, IS the actual virus. It didn't strike me till too late that I was being conned, so, turn the blasted thing off and let J deal with it when he's home. Bored, very bored, so, I continued with the decorating. J's home. I tell him all about the computer & he started to sort it out. I carry on painting, lose my footing on the steps, fall backwards, crash into the back of the telly and as I turn and watch it fall in slow motion to the floor, I screamed and started to panic. J raced to my aid and told me it was ok. I suddenly thought, oh shit, the electrics, so, I turned everything off at the wall......INCLUDING the computer which was half way to being repaired. On picking the TV up, we dropped it again, so, now we have a TV where on half of the screen, the colour is all screwy. Oh joy. I don't know quite why this needs to go in my blog, but I feel rubbish & need to have an outlet for my inner grump!

calm and composed

my abject & sincerest apologies for my previous blog entry. But, It was a lot to take in all at once & remain calm. I think rather than go around yelling, screaming & slamming a door or two, ranting for a bit on my blog was probably the best outlet for my rage! Not very creative mind you, and I don't like swearing that much.

Hey ho, a day out to Cheltenham helped..... we bought a sofa..... no, don't worry, not an impulse buy or anything quite so mad, a sort of pre-meditated spontaneous thing! It's going to be built in 8 weeks and delivered & put together for us, with the guarantee that if for any reason the thing won't fit through our front door, we won't have to pay a penny. Wonderful. Only 2 moths then to go of sitting in camping chairs... ah well, at least we'll have comfort for Christmas (god, that time of year again!) 

Yes, I hate to disappoint you, I did have the muffin, and, I have been drinking diet coke, but I've only had a couple of glasses, I then switched to water. Don't raise your eyebrow like that, it's much better than how I used to be! In an attempt to not eat all the cookies I bought, I at least told J about that, but, we've both been eating them, so, nothing to indulge in tomorrow in secret, probably for the best tho eh?

I did something, that if it happens would be quite cool, this evening I applied to channel 4, to a new show that Sarah Beanie is doing, about updating your house & renovating - which we need desperately! I put together a begging e-mail and I hope to hear back from them.... if they do, I will do everything necessary to have a professional team in here doing up the house! THAT would be ace! Don't fret, if it does happen (but, odds of those things never seem to be in my favour)I will let you all know & you can see my little home for yourselves, and be able to see just what an uninspiring place this is to work in. I have written vast amounts today, so, with that I shall bid ye a good night x

Days like these

fuck. No, sorry, I mean, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

I so fucking pissed off with being poor. I know it's all relative, but I'm sick of having the small amount of money that I have. We've lived in this flat of ours for what, 3 months now? We have no shower anymore due to a leak that the plumber was too much of a cock not to fix properly & we have no shower now, to get this resolved will cost a fortune because the tiles got water behind them and so need to come off & be replaced, the electrics here are so shockingly awful they need to be improved before we can install a new shower, the council are charging us because our neighbours were too fucking petty not to tell us about the leak so they called someone out, and now, the only source of transport we have, J's car, is fucking up & that has to be sorted asap which is more money. J is always so angry that we have a shitty looking flat - he says that the reason he's cross is because he can't see beyond the huge amount of work that needs doing.

I just want to cry. I want to bang my head against a brick wall and cry. And people wonder what stresses I have in my life that drives me to comfort eat?! Well, days like today I say FUCK IT. I'm off to have a muffin and there is nothing you can do to stop me.... I'm having a muffin AND some diet coke - (sticking my tongue out at the computer monitor)

diet coke, the secret temptress

I have for some time now held the belief that I am allergic to diet coke. Nope, not pea nuts, not shell fish, not any of these other "regular" allergies, but diet bloody coke.
It's been my absolute favourite drink for as long as I can remember. Yes, I am one of these people that can not only taste the difference between diet & normal coke, but also between coke & pepsi (because pepsi tastes like it has a layer of grease on the top, yuck!), and I have it almost all the time. When I was at art college, I got to the stage where I was drinking 2 2ltr bottles a day. Now, I've improved a lot since then, only having a 2 ltr bottle every 3 days or so, but it is the main part of my favourite alcoholic beverage, bacardi & diet coke - with ice and LIME!! Don't people in this world know the simple fact that you CANNOT have lemon in a bacardi, it must always be lime! Anyway, enough about bar eticate.

Due to one fateful night of drinking this disaster was discovered. I was drinking with my friend Nikki till the very wee hours of the morning after I had held a movie/pizza night for my friends and we'd watched the re-make of house on haunted hill. I was having numerous bacardies & cokes, because, since Nikki fancied a few drinks, it would just be rude not to! The next morning, yes, I had the inevitable hangover, but it also felt like I had a very sever sore throat. Funny I thought, I hadn't felt one come on. Now, normally, when I have a cold / illness that effects my throat, I find a very fizzy diet coke helps to mavouver what ever rubbish is lingering. So, I tried this. WOW did it hurt! It wasn't until I didn't have diet coke for 3/4 days that it started to feel better. I couldn't believe it. My only drink in the world. I have never drunk tea or coffee, I don't really enjoy squashes or fruit juices, and other soft drinks? Please, don't make me laugh! I was more than mortified when I spoke to the Dr about this and he said "with the amount of rubbish that they put in that stuff, I'm surprised more people aren't allergic. If I were you, I'd avoid the stuff like the plague"

Guess what I'm looking at now? In front of me at the computer table is an empty 1.25 lts bottle, an empty 500 ml bottle and in the kitchen is an empty 2ltr bottle and in the fridge, a full one. What am I stupid?! No, just old habits die hard. It's such a pain in the proverbial, I do just enjoy it so much! I suppose I'm lucky I'm not like the clients at work who have had years of being addicted to drugs & alcohol, I couldn't ever imagine taking heroine, speed, cocaine, whatever, let alone then trying to be without it in my life. True, I look at the clients at work and think, 'but you've done this to yourself, I'm not going to feel sorry for you.' And neither do I want people to feel sorry for me because I feel like an elephant sits on my throat each time I over indulge in my favourite drink in the world. But it's strange isn't it? So many things in the world, so many things to become addicted to, why do us humans have such an addictive personality?! I know that we crave to fill any emotional void with anything like eating, drinking, using drugs or being another "holic" like a workaholic, so, does that mean that everyone who is unbalanced & has/does too much of something is just suffering from an emotional gap? An unseen bruise that needs to heal? If that's the case, and that's why I like to drink what's bad for me, and despite being over weight, eat what's bad for, especially when I'm on my own, and work much harder than what I get paid for, do I have an emotional gap that needs healing? Needs fixing? Needs attention?! I think that might be worth exploring because, I do have a confession to make about yesterday that was highly detrimental to my weightloss.

I went to Gloucester to see another specialist regarding my carpal tunnel syndrome, and he wants to think about surgery by the end of October if these splints I wear at night don't improve the situation (I slept wearing them last night, so things are looking up!). I started my day well, I had a small bowl of weetabix minis and took a ltr bottle of water with me. That was around 9 am I ate that. Fine. went to the hospital, waited an hour an a half to be seen and left by 1:30pm. By which stage I was very hungry. As I walked back into town ( half an hour mind you, not a short walk!) I was considering my options..... should I go home right away and eat then? Should I stop in town and find something there like a subway which isn't too bad? I found myself at the station, buying a ticket for Cheltenham and off I went. I ended up having a bacon double cheese burger (the ONLY fast food item that I don't have to say things like "I don't want mayo, or pickle, etc"), I then went and had one of those to die for vanilla pretzels, with a chocolate dip! As I shopped, I went past Millies cookies & got some cookies & a muffin which I planed at the time to indulge in when J was out fishing on Sunday. Think that's bad enough? I had a 40 min wait at the station to get back and I couldn't stop myself from buying a piece of chocolate cake. What the hell is wrong with me?! I try to be good, I try and stay on track, I think to myself, "I'm allowed a little indulgence as long as I don't go over the top" and you know what it is that makes me do it? It's because I was on my own. If a friend or J was with me, I wouldn't even have thought about buying half of that. By the time I'd had a BK, I would have felt guilty at the idea of suggesting a pretzel, even tho I think it's the only reason I enjoy going to Cheltenham (German roots, must be!) and I certainty wouldn't have bought anything from Milles or the station cafe. I'm now feeling only a little guilty for what I have done. I would love to hate myself for what I did, but I don't. If I hated myself for it, I would be less likely to do it again, trouble is, I know I will because when I'm doing it, I enjoy it so much! That conundrum will also need exploring.

I have decided, that from next week I am going to try and follow the weight watchers points diet. No I'm not going to a meeting, don't be daft, £5.50 to stand on the scales & have someone "tut" at you if you haven't lost anything... no thank you. But I will try to follow it at home, J will help me, he loves me for who I am, but absolutely hates it when I talk so negatively about myself, so he will help me get towards my goal in the hope I'm happier about myself. I will use the electronic scales at Boots once a week, after work. I thought that if I try to do this on either a Monday or Tuesday afternoon, that would be the best option, as I then can remind myself at the beginning of the week that I've either done well before & to keep the momentum going, or, I've done badly and I must try harder to improve. I read somewhere once that one of the secrets to keeping thin is to always know what your weight is, apparently, all skinny people know exactly what they weigh. So, I've got to keep going every week and get weighed. Booo.

Nina, the saga continues

I have always felt that my life is suitably written for a soap opera, not really a life to be lived at all! It's just one thing after another with me, my life hasn't had any sort of "quiet time" for quite some time.
Monday morning I took the train and walked around to the hospital in Gloucester to see my nice Dr, who smiles a lot (but he has a very strange grin so I'm not a fan of seeing it!) and have yet more tests done. Quite comical really, a whole lot of sticky pads everywhere on my arms & hands, wet metal things over my fingers, all hooked up to a machine. The Doc asks "ready?" and before you can ask "what for" your arm is jumping wildly all over the place. "Please keep you arm relaxed for me" he tells me, and I can't help but think, "Well, I'm bloody well trying!" All this data from these little sticky probes are making crazy looking patterns on the screen next to me, and I'm assured that when he's ready, he'll translate it all into English for me. So, now, on top of everything else, I now have it confirmed that I suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome. Lovely. I understand it as an acute form of RSI, so, perhaps typing merrily away at my blog shouldn't exactly be my new past time! But hey, what can ya do. Oddly too, I have a small case of it in my ankles too! Wonderful. That might explain the odd sensation that my feet don't belong to me when I go for a walk.
For the last two nights I have been attempting to wear these elastic / leather / metal wrist / hand / arm splints.....while I sleep! Needless to say, having these great monstrosities on both hands is not the most comfortable sensation I have ever had, and where I used to rest my head on my arm, there is now a chunk of solid metal in the way of my soft, familiar skin . And, I'm already going to see the surgeon this Friday to talk about possible surgery on my wrists & ankles. God, what next? Needless to say, I'm not 100% happy with things at the moment & I am currently waiting for some Ben & Jerry's ice cream to melt enough to enable a little bit of scoffing to begin. True, it is supposed to be my boyfriend's ice cream, but he's not here to object.

On a more positive note, I have done a couple of new, uplifting things this week. I have decided to join a choir at the local church, I am now a "Stanley Singer"! Ok, not the most fascinating thing to do, but it was quite fun, I have no idea why, but I've been put in the soprano section. I suppose in a group I sound better than a screeching cat, which as far as I'm concerned I sound like when I try to sing that high on my own. And already, next week we'll be starting on Christmas Songs ready for some concerts (yay, I think). Also, last night, my friend Nikki and I went along to a line dancing class, but, we were mistaken about the type of lesson & went to the experienced beginners by mistake. We were encouraged to stick around & at least look at what was going on, and by chance, they were taught a new dance anyway, so, at this point we decided to join in and give it a whirl. I think we were pretty good! In fact, we joined in with most of the dances the rest of the lesson and got on pretty well. At one point the guy next to Nikki asked "have you done this before?" When he was given the answer, I dont think it was what he was looking for. She of course advised No, and he confessed that he had been in the beginner class for 3 years! Poor thing! I felt really bad that we were picking it all up quite quickly in comparison. Still, we've decided to go to the Thursday lesson instead & go through some beginner classes just as a matter of course.

Well, I've rambled on for long enough, to sum up, what have I achieved in my goal to a new, improved me before hitting 30 since last time of blog writing? Well, I think singing is great for the soul, so, if I'm happy on the inside, I have a better chance of being happy in my body & will be able to improve my body more easily. Also, line dancing is a great way to exercise, so, that's a great way to go towards losing weight! As for my weight, I haven't checked, so, no comment.

Clarity

Good morning to all.
I was thinking about this last night but was far too sleepy, after watching Hancock on DVD, a bit of futurama & Derren Brown's how to win the lottery, oh, and a hard day at work of course! Isn't is a real pain that the best way to predict the lottery, is to take away the sensation of greed, so you can only predict the numbers if there is no way of being able to buy yourself a ticket! Great! No, that's not what I was thinking!

After re-reading my Intro blog, I realised that anyone who doesn't know me is to automatically assume that I want to be a stick thin, size zero supermodel by the time I'm 30. Nope, not at all. In fact, I dislike immensely these women who give a false impression of beauty, I can't stand to read or even look at these beauty magazines and I really hate these TV shows where women who are a size 14, moan bitterly at how big they are. It makes me so cross! Now, I'm hardly the biggest woman in the world, but the national average these days is around 14, so, that's what I would like to be. According to the height:weight ratio chart, for my height I should be under 10 stone. To be honest, I reckon that would be far too thin for me, I think that somewhere between 11st - 12 st would suit me perfectly. So, my goal to begin with is to reach 12 st. That's 78 lb's that I want to be able to lose. Blimy. That's quite an amount to lose! Well, lets work this out. Currently there are 8 months till my birthday, when I reach the penultimate year before my goal, then of course another 12. so, 20 months in total, to lose 78lb's, or, for ease of maths, 80lbs. That way, I would be a couple of lb's under 12st & be in the "between" bracket that I'm aiming for. So, thats 4lb's per month I'd need to lose - I know it's not quite right, but if I were to say one a week, that would work out just about right (and give me some shopping time before my 30th to be able to buy a lovely dress to wear!)

So, at a rate of losing 1lb per week, by the time I hit my 29th, I should have lost 34lbs, making it.......15st2lb. Gosh. Now, that's quite a nice goal to aim for for 2 reasons. 1, that would be the thinnest my boyfriend has ever seen me, I weighed much more than that when he met me, and 2, I would then be thinner than before I was attacked. Yes dear readers, I do have a turbulant past as I have said. One night in London I was very drunk, very alone, and feeling completely out of myself - you know when your drunk and you have done it a few times, and you know what you feel like, what your body does when your drunk? Well, I didn't feel right. I knew something was wrong, and it ended up with me being attacked but having no memory of it, or who did it. I left London & moved back to Cornwall to re-cooperate. But I felt low, very low, and I fell back into my old patterns of eating for comfort. Soon afterwards tho, is when I met J. He's the guy I wrote about in my last blog, he's my knight in shining armour, (but the one who is no saint!) yep, at this low, terrible point in my life is when I met the guy who I've been with ever since. And he's looked after me ever since. So, if by my next birthday I can reach a weight that was less than I weighed before being attacked, I can put that episode behind me one and for all, and it can hopefully stop haunting me as it does every now & then.

Do you know, I have compleatly gone off track as to what I wanted to say in the beginning! I have an image in my mind as to what I want to end up like. You see, when I was at Art College, I was 19. One night I had gone out with a couple of my friends to a student bar, and things were quite normal. But I remembered seeing a group of people who seemed to all be looking at one woman in particular. I moved in closer as my curiosity got the better of me to listen & try to work out just why 20 or so people were hanging on this woman's every word. She was talking about the time she had spent working in Aspen, skiing, oh, I love skiing & I was immediately very jealous of her. I have never travelled outside of Europe & I have always wanted to. She was very attractive, beautiful, and she had a very kind face. Since then, I have manifested this image in my mind and come to various conclusions. Yes, I know that I didn't know this woman at all, and I am never likely to ever meet her again, but I have created an image in my head of what I want to aim for based on this one chance, fleeting encounter. Nothing to do with her weight or size as such, because she looked quite an average size, but she had around 20 people, in a bar, hanging on her every word. She was so beguiling, so interesting, had done such interesting things and when she said something funny, it really was funny, people actually laughed. At that point in my life & still now, I struggle to tell a story that people find in the least bit interesting, I seem to only find my own jokes funny and people tend to only laugh at me when I've embarrassed myself. I don't want to be like that. I've always maintained that people who are an average size & weight, don't draw unwanted attention to themselves in the same way that a large person like me does. To that extent, if attention is required, you learn to have traits in your personality that means that when wanted, you can attracted attention for when it's wanted, just like this woman.

I have also always had a bit of a problem with my temper & I have been changing that over the years already. I wanted to have a much kinder disposition because I feel this is a trait that helps to have positive attention. Yesterday I had a wonderful experience where one of our clients started to scream & yell at me. I was nervous, terrified in fact. I hate people shouting at me, and I could feel that I was shaking. But I'm a staff member, I can just ignore it when people are yelling and potentially upsetting other clients, so, I very calmly said to her, "you can either come into my office and we can discuss this, or you can continue to be angry, it's your choice" Seems such a simple thing to say, but because I had done so in such a calm manner, and I didn't have a complete meltdown which was highly probable I would do, I felt so elated! She screamed that she wanted to stay angry and stormed off, but in doing so, she made herself feel very foolish and was very quiet after that. I couldn't help but think all day how well I had done. Other clients had said that I had handled the situation very well and when I told my boss, she even smiled! I was so happy that I hadn't done anything that would get me into trouble, so excited that I had accomplished a calm manner when all around me were losing their heads & so thankful that others had seen me do it so well. That's going to help so much in the future, it's helped to command a little more respect & I was so proud of myself. So, yesterday was certainly a good day!

Intro

Hello to anyone reading out there! Contrary to my blog description, I do not think my life is all doom & gloom, just that there are certain aspects that when I was a teenager I didn't wory about, didn't pay it any mind, because hey, by the time I'm 30, my life will have straigtened itself out... won't it?!
I've reached a point where I no longer believe my fairy godmother will come dancing out from the sky, wave her magic wand & I will suddenly have the life I've always wanted, no, I have concluded that it's all up to me, just little young-ish me!
So, lets start with the positives, as I said, it's not all doom and gloom, so, what is going right for me?! Well, for starters, I have a fantastic man in my life, after a turbulant past with ex-boyfriends who were not the nicest of characters, I have proverbily hit the jackpot. He's georgous, intelligent, has a good career in front of him and best of all, he doesn't give a hoot about the things that worry me, he loves me for... well... me! We've been together now for 4 years (just about) and we've got a great relationship. Oh, he's no saint, he has his quirks and foybles don't get me wrong, but thankfully, they're few & far between so things are pretty good.
Family wise, although my mother hasn't spoken to me now for 2 years, I have a great relationship with my dad & his girlfriend. My brother is in the Navy, My older sister has provided me with a wonderful niece & a nephew (the nephew I'm still yet to meet!) and I have a whole hoast of Aunts & Unles both here & in Germany who think the world of me.
I have a few friends who are great in my life, they give me the excuse to have fun & enjoy myself, even if it's just a giggle in front of a film. Although I only have a few, my dad always said if you have anything between 1 - 5 really good friends, your doing very well in life. So, I'm fine!
Job wise, well, I've just changed my position within the company I've been with for 2 years. a mate of mine suggests my new job title should be "Statistician & Research Co-Ordinator", because stats & research is what I do, and being a co-ordinator sounds good! Not the most glamorous job in the world, not the best paid either, but it gets me by, and over all, I like it here.

So, what's the problem then? Why do I think that I haven't quite achieved what I want to before I turn 30? Well, a few things arn't quite right, a few things I would like to change for the better & I hope, by keeping a "diary" so-to-speak, will enable me to keep on track for various things I want to do. So, here we go with the things that arn't so good.

1 - I am over weight. And I don't mean like these little stick girls who think they're fat because they have to wear a size 12, no, I mean big enough that I struggle finding clothes to fit me in everyday life, that when I'm on my own & walking down the street, there will inevitably be a comment about my size. "Oh my god, did you see the size of her?" "Hey, go on a diet you fat cow" and so on. At my very worst 2 years ago, I weighed 18st5lb. At my recent best, at the beginning of this year, I went down to 16st9lb, but now, I have gone back to 17st8lb and it's really depressing. I USED to be a size 12 / 14 when I was in my mid teens, but, 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with a bad case of low thyroid problems, which they think went un-diagnosed for 9 years. Which makes sense, around the time I was 18 / 19, I started to put weight on out of nowhere & it didn't stop till I started using the tablets I'm on now till the rest of my life.

2. I have a multitude of health problems. Ok, I have constant pins & needles in my arms, hands, legs & feet. My knees almost always hurt. I have a very bad mid & lower back that's almost always in pain. I suffer from dizzyness & blackouts - fainting is just no fun at all. I get terrible cramps at night in my legs and an awful lot of headaches. Trouble is, everytime I speak to the Dr's, they ALWAYS say that it's all to do with my weight. The thing that scares me about losing weight, what if they're wrong? What if all these problems were from something else, something bigger, more scary, and it went over looked just because I am bigger than most. I'm terrified of finding out.

3. My job is ok, I have my own office, my own routine, and my own projects that I can just get on with, so, I'm not being harrassed all the time (not anymore anyway!) but, I don't want to spend my life only earning £15,500 a year. I want to get through a computer course I started a while ago, and get a better paid job. But, I'm struggling, alot, with trying to get through this course. It's written like a stero instruction booklet & it's so boring & big! it's a massive book, with little writing. It's daunting & scary & I don't have anyone I know studying the same thing, so I have no one to study with, bounce ideas from and so on. It's hard, but I do want to do it.

So, dear readers, those are the things I want to improve. My weight, my health, my career. I would dearly love for at least one of these things to start going right before I'm 30. And that's what the Nina project is all about.