Clarity

Good morning to all.
I was thinking about this last night but was far too sleepy, after watching Hancock on DVD, a bit of futurama & Derren Brown's how to win the lottery, oh, and a hard day at work of course! Isn't is a real pain that the best way to predict the lottery, is to take away the sensation of greed, so you can only predict the numbers if there is no way of being able to buy yourself a ticket! Great! No, that's not what I was thinking!

After re-reading my Intro blog, I realised that anyone who doesn't know me is to automatically assume that I want to be a stick thin, size zero supermodel by the time I'm 30. Nope, not at all. In fact, I dislike immensely these women who give a false impression of beauty, I can't stand to read or even look at these beauty magazines and I really hate these TV shows where women who are a size 14, moan bitterly at how big they are. It makes me so cross! Now, I'm hardly the biggest woman in the world, but the national average these days is around 14, so, that's what I would like to be. According to the height:weight ratio chart, for my height I should be under 10 stone. To be honest, I reckon that would be far too thin for me, I think that somewhere between 11st - 12 st would suit me perfectly. So, my goal to begin with is to reach 12 st. That's 78 lb's that I want to be able to lose. Blimy. That's quite an amount to lose! Well, lets work this out. Currently there are 8 months till my birthday, when I reach the penultimate year before my goal, then of course another 12. so, 20 months in total, to lose 78lb's, or, for ease of maths, 80lbs. That way, I would be a couple of lb's under 12st & be in the "between" bracket that I'm aiming for. So, thats 4lb's per month I'd need to lose - I know it's not quite right, but if I were to say one a week, that would work out just about right (and give me some shopping time before my 30th to be able to buy a lovely dress to wear!)

So, at a rate of losing 1lb per week, by the time I hit my 29th, I should have lost 34lbs, making it.......15st2lb. Gosh. Now, that's quite a nice goal to aim for for 2 reasons. 1, that would be the thinnest my boyfriend has ever seen me, I weighed much more than that when he met me, and 2, I would then be thinner than before I was attacked. Yes dear readers, I do have a turbulant past as I have said. One night in London I was very drunk, very alone, and feeling completely out of myself - you know when your drunk and you have done it a few times, and you know what you feel like, what your body does when your drunk? Well, I didn't feel right. I knew something was wrong, and it ended up with me being attacked but having no memory of it, or who did it. I left London & moved back to Cornwall to re-cooperate. But I felt low, very low, and I fell back into my old patterns of eating for comfort. Soon afterwards tho, is when I met J. He's the guy I wrote about in my last blog, he's my knight in shining armour, (but the one who is no saint!) yep, at this low, terrible point in my life is when I met the guy who I've been with ever since. And he's looked after me ever since. So, if by my next birthday I can reach a weight that was less than I weighed before being attacked, I can put that episode behind me one and for all, and it can hopefully stop haunting me as it does every now & then.

Do you know, I have compleatly gone off track as to what I wanted to say in the beginning! I have an image in my mind as to what I want to end up like. You see, when I was at Art College, I was 19. One night I had gone out with a couple of my friends to a student bar, and things were quite normal. But I remembered seeing a group of people who seemed to all be looking at one woman in particular. I moved in closer as my curiosity got the better of me to listen & try to work out just why 20 or so people were hanging on this woman's every word. She was talking about the time she had spent working in Aspen, skiing, oh, I love skiing & I was immediately very jealous of her. I have never travelled outside of Europe & I have always wanted to. She was very attractive, beautiful, and she had a very kind face. Since then, I have manifested this image in my mind and come to various conclusions. Yes, I know that I didn't know this woman at all, and I am never likely to ever meet her again, but I have created an image in my head of what I want to aim for based on this one chance, fleeting encounter. Nothing to do with her weight or size as such, because she looked quite an average size, but she had around 20 people, in a bar, hanging on her every word. She was so beguiling, so interesting, had done such interesting things and when she said something funny, it really was funny, people actually laughed. At that point in my life & still now, I struggle to tell a story that people find in the least bit interesting, I seem to only find my own jokes funny and people tend to only laugh at me when I've embarrassed myself. I don't want to be like that. I've always maintained that people who are an average size & weight, don't draw unwanted attention to themselves in the same way that a large person like me does. To that extent, if attention is required, you learn to have traits in your personality that means that when wanted, you can attracted attention for when it's wanted, just like this woman.

I have also always had a bit of a problem with my temper & I have been changing that over the years already. I wanted to have a much kinder disposition because I feel this is a trait that helps to have positive attention. Yesterday I had a wonderful experience where one of our clients started to scream & yell at me. I was nervous, terrified in fact. I hate people shouting at me, and I could feel that I was shaking. But I'm a staff member, I can just ignore it when people are yelling and potentially upsetting other clients, so, I very calmly said to her, "you can either come into my office and we can discuss this, or you can continue to be angry, it's your choice" Seems such a simple thing to say, but because I had done so in such a calm manner, and I didn't have a complete meltdown which was highly probable I would do, I felt so elated! She screamed that she wanted to stay angry and stormed off, but in doing so, she made herself feel very foolish and was very quiet after that. I couldn't help but think all day how well I had done. Other clients had said that I had handled the situation very well and when I told my boss, she even smiled! I was so happy that I hadn't done anything that would get me into trouble, so excited that I had accomplished a calm manner when all around me were losing their heads & so thankful that others had seen me do it so well. That's going to help so much in the future, it's helped to command a little more respect & I was so proud of myself. So, yesterday was certainly a good day!