catching up

Hello all!

Yes, I know, it's been a little while - but hey, can you blame me? I still have a poorly paw (hah! the nurse kept calling it that and it annoys J that I say it - I think he feels it's far too "cutesy" for me!). The stitches came out a little while ago and as expected, the scar has become all puffy. Oh well, needs must and all that! It is still so tender that I can't tell yet if it's made any difference t have the operation at all. I certainly hope it was worth it because the other one is going under the knife soon! (dun dun duuunnnnnn!) Apart from feeling like I'm balancing a rather weighty object on my hand (like a big man or something!) it's all ok.

So, that does mean that job wise I am not able to work till at very least the end of March. The Dr has officially signed me off and he thinks that the end of March is too soon and has told me I should come back to re-new it closer to the time. However, during all this time off I've had, I have been looking into all sorts of other types of work out there (no, not like that! get your mind out of the gutter!)  and I've signed myself up to become a freelance sales executive for a company that does industry specific magazines - I won't go too deeply into it, I won't really be doing much about it till the end of Feb when I've had my left hand done and I've finished some work I'm doing for dad. But, I've worked out, based on the minimum sale I could achieve, I would only need one per month and that would work out better than being on benefits! so, that's good in the first instance - on minimum sales, I would need 4 per month and I would be earning more than I was in my last job - not too shabby. One large sale per month, I'm earning more than I was in my last job - and I can do it all from home! Yay! Oh god, I just so hate office politics and having to be nice to people who you would normally not socialise with at all. AND, the best part, I would be my own boss! no minimum sales to hit, no being yelled at because they're in a strop, nothing like that! yippee! If I feel I want some time off, it's my own money I'm losing. The thing is, yes, part of this journey is to find a job that earns me more money than I was on before, and more importantly (for me) reflects the hard work I put into a job - this will certainly do that - If I work hard, I will get the benefit, if I slack off, that will also show. Plus, not to blow my own trumpet or anything like that, I used to be a very good sales person - after all, I have a master salesman for a father - Hah! the apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree eh?! So, I'll give this a go during Feb / March. If I don't see anything beneficial happening, then I will go back to job hunting. (If however it does work, I have the potential to getting rid of my debts by the end of the year! eeepp!)

Ok, so, all of that is going right (or, in a better direction than before) so, diet?! Well, I did very badly before Christmas and went right back up to my worst weight, 18.5. Now, my latest weigh in put me at 17.10! I couldn't believe I lost weight over Christmas! That was very cool! It's still going well, although, with all the snow and ice we've been having, I haven't gone outside much (Dr's orders you know, if I fell and used my hand to stop my fall, I will split open my wound!) so that does mean I haven't been doing much exercise - and yes, I have fallen behind in the stuff I was doing at home - but, at least the weight is coming off!

That's the hand, work stuff and weight talked about.... what else have I been doing since Christmas? Well, New years eve we chilled out at my Aunts, got ourselves a selection of nibbles and relaxed in front of the fire which was nice. The Cat seemed to do much better in the car on the journey back home but that might be because my hand was better than before and I had better control.

I did gone to Carrie's house warming party (the one postponed due to ill-ness) and I had a blast! I got VERY drunk and was rather hungover the next day (which J found hilarious, kept making fun of his "little drunkard") but, it was a success, because me & Carrie re-connected (as we haven't hung out together for a long time) and Nikki was there. Yep, Nikki. It was really awkward to talk to her at first - we talked about really trivial things. Once I was lucid enough I had the courage to say "I'm glad we seem to be talking again" and we hashed out all the things that had been bugging the both of us at the time of our falling out. I don't think we're quite there, but both of us I think realise the benefit of rescuing a friendship - especially since we fell out over misunderstood intentions and mis-read texts that ended up going too far.

My newest friend Jennie (the one I knew from the bus while I was still at Nelson) has been a real rock - she's been great support and has been very encouraging when it comes to job hunting and things. We've both sampled each others culinary skills and seem to be forming a very cool friendship - She's been very busy lately, but will be coming over next Saturday evening for a movie & pizza - I'm hoping some others will come along, but Nikki said she's not sure if she's free (I do half think that she's still feeling awkward), I know Carrie has her niece and nephew round, Anna will be working that day but will try and Adrian wants to but has transport issues! Oh well, the sum total of me & Jennie, the evenings should still be quite pleasant!

Now, Let me be totally honest here - after all, that is why I wanted to keep a blog - I have been rushing through my catch up portion of my blog (So, I may have missed some bits out) because I am actually quite angry at the moment. Well, angry might be the wrong word - I'm feeling really miffed at one particular person's attitude towards me.

Let me give you some history about something else and you'll soon understand why it leads up to my current mood. I haven't mentioned it much in my blog, but since we've lived here in our little flat (summer of last year) we've had problems with the neighbours. For instance, our first day we owned this place, J came with some boxes to got the moving started, and was threatened by the thug who lives downstairs (now, unfortunately, he has the same name as one of my lovely friends, so, for the sake of this blog and to avoid any confusion, and also to put a humorous stance on the horrible situation I will call him..... err...... how about Slug). Anyway, Slug got J so worked up that he came back to our flat in Stroud town and was shaking - stating that he didn't know what to do, he didn't want to live there, and didn't want to live here any more either (here at the time being our old flat). We were at crisis point - we've already done the deal, we already were past the point of no return, so we had no choice. It's been a long old slog since we've been here of noise problems (TV, music,etc) the worst is the arguments we can hear that last well into the early hours of the night - I can hear Slug shouting at his supposed girlfriend (who again, I'm not going to use her real name, mostly because when I look back on this in years to come, I don't want to be reminded - how about.....Stick). Often, I can hear Stick yelling "no please, stop hurting me" and yet, when I've called the police advising that I think she's in danger, or, I knock on the door asking if everyone is all right, I'm met with "fuck off you stupid fat bitch" or "how fucking dare you call the police" and other similar desirable phrases. For gods sake, the week we moved in, Slug was arrested for suspected cocaine dealing, and has been arrested a further 3 times since then and the police were again looking for him last week! Stick was moved here because of all the trouble she caused in her previous area which meant that the local authority there would no longer help her because she kept buggering up her tennancy.

I have tried and tried with Stick and Slug to be nice - I wait for hours for the music or TV to stop until I finally can't take it any more and I knock on the door and ask for it to go down, which is always met with problems - I've been threatened, intimidated, and it's got to the point that I am too frightened to go out into my back garden on my own. Enough is enough. I have now been talking with the police, benefit fraud (Stick is living there as a single tenant, Slug should not be living there), and various people in the council. The police have put me in touch with victim support people because (in the police's words) "it sounds like I've been trying to cope for too long and think  if I don't get support, I could wind up being depressed and have further problems on my hands" - so, even the police are worried about me - J too is finding it hard to cope, but only because he's so mad at them and he wants retribution, but knows if he did anything, it will ruin our chances of getting things sorted "above board". Because of all this official activity, we naturally have had some come back from it - Stick was outside on the road the other day with her mother (I want to make a comment here but I shan't) and saw me in my window - Christ all mighty I was cleaning my house! They were mouthing "fucking bitch" and making fat gestures at me - I knew there was no point in responding to this so I went away from the window - next thing I know I can hear someone trying to open my front door (luckily it was locked) then screams through my letter box "get out here you fat fucking bitch, I'm gonna fucking kill you" Naturally, this has again scared the shit out of me.

Why then has all this lead to me feeling miffed? Well, I got word that someone out there has been reading my blog - don't get me wrong, the reason I write this is so people CAN read it - but this person took it upon themselves to state that all the problems with the neighbours must be my fault. Oh yea, I asked them to make me scared enough that I don't want to leave my house! Oh yes, insensitive person out there, that's just what I wanted to do. So, to you, I write this. I know I know very little about you - you refuse to have a conversation with me unless you've been forced to, and you've always treated me with contempt - it feels like you'd prefer to spit on me than shake my hand. I do know enough that you are curious enough to keep reading my blog, despite not liking me - so, this is for you.

This person has a massive chip on their shoulder about me (nope, I'm not going to mention names - this person should be smart enough to know who they are, and to be honest, I expect an apology once they've read this), they think I'm some stupid, idiotic, pain in the arse twit that they hate having to put up with. Think I'm not good enough, that I'm boring because I don't drink, that I'm too over the top, think I'm too extroverted. there must be many more I've not even yet thought of. 

The main reason they think all of this is because of problems I have had with their family. Well, let me put things into perspective for you - not that I should explain myself to you, but I'm going to use this situation to my advantage and get across to you some things you ought to know about me. I don't know if it'll change your views, but it might help explain to you a bit about my history that until now you've had no interest in knowing. The first time I met your family, I felt extremely unwelcome and I felt scared each moment that I was in their company - years later, I have discovered that the way in which they behave - to them is warm and welcoming - trouble is, in my mind, just simply by comparison to how I was brought up, its not. Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with how people act or have acted around me, but just that it's different and all I can do is use my own life experiences to make my own judgements - is that fair? I have already stated that I now know their behaviour, to them is warm and welcoming, but to me it's not. So, obviously, I was not at all comfortable in your family's company for quite some time. I felt that you and another member had a vendetta against me, I used to make up all sorts of excuses why I didn't want to ever visit again. I made some real cock ups on my manner towards people because I was upset and stressed out about being there. Oh sure, I guess your reading this and think I'm pathetic, idiotic or whatever, well, if you have read this far, I would like for you to read further and you might understand me a little more.

My family have all got very strong personalities - we're only laid back when we're exhausted. The most calm and placid member of my family is my aunt, and yet she still throws lovely parties that are full of exciting conversations and interesting people. When I go to visit my dad and his other half, we spend hours chatting, having a lot of fun, telling stories, and really engaging in each others lives. Now, I know I'm not part of your family and that this isn't a great comparison. So, take J for instance. When he first met my family, yes it was awkward, but every single member of my family made so much effort to make him feel at ease, relaxed and helped him enjoy himself amongst these new people. For J that's even harder than it is for me because he does not like being in social situations where he doesn't know the other people. Where as, before I met your family, I thought that I was really good at meeting new people and being part of a group situation. But at the time I met your family, 2 things were against me.

One of the biggest things, I'm not sure if you know about or not, was only 5 months prior to meeting them, I had been living in London and on a night out with friends. I got quite drunk, a bit merry and somehow, I got separated from my friends (I later learnt that the club we went to had an upstairs bar and I didn't even see any stairs - when they tried to find me I seemed to have disappeared). During that night it must have been obvious that I was drunk and alone, because at one point, I'm not sure when, my drink was spiked and I don't remember much of the rest of the night. The only flashes I have are of leaving the club and being sure I had a coat with me, so I was trying to get my mind cleared to figure out what happened to it, the next bit I remember is stumbling outside and trying to get this guy to leave me alone - I remember saying, "I just want a taxi, please don't help me, don't, please, just go back to the club" the next thing I could remember was lying on the floor in pain. I can still vividly see the pavement and my hair blocking most of my view. I remember the pavement feeling very cold against my side and I could feel that my stomach and chest really hurt. It felt like forever that I was lying there and I didn't even want to get up because somewhere in my mind I was trying to figure out what was going on and I didn't want to get up until I knew what had happened. I don't know how, but I made it back to the pub that I was living in at the time, I woke up the next day in agony. I had a shower, and at the time thinking I was just hungover, and suddenly I saw all the bruises all over my body. My arms, legs, hips, stomach, chest. And I then called the police. To cut to the chase, I ended up moving back to my mum's in Cornwall to recover, only to discover about a month later that I was pregnant. Yea, that's right, I wasn't just beaten up. Then, to top it all off, I got rid of my baby, I felt like I was forced into it by my mum. That was the worst decision I have ever made in my life and I still am not sure it was the right one. It would have been 4 this April if I kept it.

To help me move on with my life, my mum offered to help pay for a room in a shared house, until I felt ready to go back to work. This was when I met J. We became friends very quickly somehow and I only felt safe going out of the house after dark when he was with me. He helped me get my life back on track much quicker than I thought possible, but I was still very scared. New people literally made me jump, the night time haunted me and every day I blamed myself for everything that happened. 

Now, enter you and your family. Just by their own mannerisms that I wasn't accustomed to, this was the 2nd thing going against me. In comparison to my family, I felt like I had done something very wrong the first instant I walked in the front door. Unlike my family, who spent so much time making sure J felt safe and ok, I was ignored, left on my own, and in trying to make conversation, I was laughed at, and what I had to say was overshadowed by other people. Unfortunately, you made things a lot worse. You kept making fun of me, you kept laughing at what I was trying to say. I don't find your sense of humour funny - I find it insulting at the very least. As you can imagine, I didn't want to drink because of things that had happened a few months before, I didn't want to go out and about, I certainly didn't want to go out for New Years Eve with your then girlfriend, screaming in my face that I was so fucking boring because I didn't want to drink. You have always treated me with such contempt since then it's no wonder that I'm fearful of you and your behaviour.

Have you ever once thought about sitting down and talking to me without trying to make me feel stupid or "pathetic" in what I'm saying? Could you perhaps, for just a moment realise that I am a human being too. I have tried and tried to be nice to you. Christmas gifts that I have taken so much time and effort to get you are sneered at, I buy you a drink a a recent party and what did you do? Left it, like I had done something terrible to your drink, conversions I try to have with you are met with, what I can only describe as discomfort - it looks like I'm draining your life away from you when I hold a discussion with you. Can you imagine how awful you have been making me feel?! Now please, PLEASE, I implore you to tell me what is so horrible about me that I had to overhear you call me "a stupid fucking bitch".

Now, I hear that your blaming me for my neighbours behaviour. I have to say that this is just deepening the issues that have begun between us. Yes, I'll admit that on our last visit I thought things were improving between you and me, but I must have been fooling myself since your so quick to say that the problems I'm faced with now are all my fault.

For the benefit only to one person in my life, I want to make amends with you - I want us to get along like J gets along with my brother and sister. I don't believe you have given me much of a chance to get to know you or you to know me, but I do know that you are the reason I am fearful of visiting and I think if things are ever to improve, you need to know that. I can see that you are a good person, I see that in your attitude towards other people - why oh why then do I have to be hated so much by you? I'm not a bad person and if you were to talk to me from a fresh perspective you might see that.

However, what I don't want out of all this is to make matters worse - if you feel like I've upset you or made you more cross with me, I would like to discuss this with you. But do not continue to make judgements about me and my life until you know me better